An Evening with Dickie V

A few weeks ago, in my Top 10 Most Hated People in Sports list, I put Dick Vitale at #8. Tonight, with my Wake Forest Demon Deacons hosting the Duke Blue Devils, I figured it would be a perfect chance to take notes on Vitale’s commentary and to see just how much of a Dukie Vitale truly is.
Unfortunately (well, fortunately) Wake outplayed the Pukies en route to a six-point win. Of course I was thrilled with the Deacons victory, but because it wasn't a typical Duke game (J.J. Reddick only scored two points, the referees weren’t blatantly handing the game to the Blue Devils and Duke wasn’t draining 3’s) Vitale wasn’t as much of a suck-up and annoying as his usually is. Keep in mind, however, that Vitale’s usual suck-up/annoyingness quotient eclipses his nearest competitor (Ahmad Rashad interviewing Michael Jordan) by a factor of 30, so he still gave us some stuff to work with.
On to the running commentary!

9:08 PM Tip-off. Dick Vitale has just finished a 45-second rant about how good Chris Duhon is, despite scoring, steal and shooting percentages less than that of Chris Paul. Next, Vitale extolled the virtues of Dennis Kucinich’s presidential campaign..

9:11 PM Vitale has completely ignored the fact that Wake Forest center Eric Williams was not in the starting lineup tonight because he was discussing how underrated Daniel Ewing is. This is the same Daniel Ewing that was named the MVP of last year’s ACC tournament and was an All-Freshman selection two years ago. Cherry Coke is underrated Mr. Vitale, Daniel Ewing is not.

9:16 PM J.J. Reddick just slapped Chris Paul in the face. Seriously, he slapped him in the face. A personal foul was called. Coach K. complained about it, screaming at the refs with several visible “f-words”. The next trip down the floor, the refs call a BS foul on Jamaal Levy and then called a tech on Skip Prosser for complaining about it in a manner less severe than his coaching counterpart did. This proves that Coach K wields more influence on ACC basketball than Simon Cowell does on the American Idol voting. After the dust-up, Vitale ignores the Reddick slap, doesn’t say a word about the ridiculous foul called on Levy, but mentions that perhaps Prosser got his tech because he was out of the coaching box.

9:24 PM Nick Horvath pushes Trent Strickland and gets T’d up. Vitale, again, fails to criticize Duke or Horvath. Vitale calls Duke games like he’s living in Mao’s China. I think he’s afraid Coach K will watch the tape, see Vitale criticizing his team and then put a hit out on him through the Polish Mafia.

9:26 PM You know, Vitale probably gave credit to Coach K for Saddam’s capture.

9:27 PM Dickie V says that he thinks Chris Paul deserves ACC Freshman of the year over Luol Deng, which is correct. (Paul should probably be the front-runner for National honors as well.) But, I’ll wear a Duke shirt for an entire month if anybody but Luol Deng appears on Vitale’s ballot.

9:41 PM I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again. For somebody who went to West Point, Coach K sure is a whiny bitch.

9:49 PM Mike Patrick begins a 45-second "I love Dick Vitale" speech during which he congratulated Mr. V on being a finalist for the College Basketball Hall of Fame, credited him with popularizing the sport and thanked him for discovering the cure for polio.

9:49.45 PM Vitale kisses Mike Patrick. I might have trouble sleeping tonight.

9:50 PM Chris Paul gets called for a charge against Chris Duhon. Vitale says the following.

“Ohhhh, Missstaahh Patttricckkk, Chriss Duuuuuhon is a PTP’er, he’s showin that freshman what four years in college will do. Ohhhh! Paul is a Diaper Dannndy, but Duuuhon’s experience is showing. Look at howw he takes this charge! Ohhhhh!"

The replays proceed to show Duhon getting to the spot late and shifting his feet before Paul runs into him. The replay is clear on this. It wasn’t a charge. The refs could have called a block, but probably should have kept the whistle on their necks. But the replay doesn’t deter Vitale, who continues to praise Duhon’s defense even as the viewers see that he didn’t get there in time. Overwhelming evidence is meaningless to Vitale's opinions. He's sort of like an OJ juror in that way.

9:55 PM During the under four timeout I switch to Wizards-Hornets game. Going from watching the tenacity of play in the Duke-Wake game to watching the malaise of the pitiful NBA contest is like switching from a NASCAR race to a speed-walking competition. Wait, bad example. Both of those are boring.

10:01 PM J.J. Reddick is caught digging into his nostril as Vitale talks about how great he is. At this point in the game, Reddick has more picks than points.

10:04 PM Halftime, Duke up by 5. Vitale runs into the Duke locker room to massage Mike Kryzewski.

10:14 PM I turn on Seinfeld. Jerry learns that he has Kramer’s blood inside him. His reaction is probably similar to what mine would be if I found out that I was somehow related to Nick Horvath.

10:30 PM In the past few games, Eric Williams looks like a kid with ADD who just snorted a pack of Pixie Stix when he shoots a lay-up.

10:43 PM After shooting a lay-up while getting hacked, then grabbing an offensive board while getting slapped, then shooting another lay-up while getting beaten down by the NYPD, then chasing a loose ball out of bounds, Jamaal Levy lightly brushes the arm of Shelden Williams. Coach K and Johnny Dawkins yell that Levy didn’t get called for a foul. Vitale says, “I don’t blame the Duke coaching staff for being angry.” Mike Patrick concurs. I wonder if Patrick realizes how ridiculous Vitale is. I mean, this is the guy that has to share a football booth with Joe Thiesmann and Paul McGuire. McGuire is kind of like Vitale on valium. They both form opinions about the game before it starts, then even when things are going totally different than how they thought they would, both of them still act as if their original analysis is valid and try to sell it throughout the game. They'd both be great politicians.

10:46 PM Wake takes their first lead since the score was 2-0. A slight whimper can be heard from Vitale.

10:49 PM Vitale mentions Shelden Williams’ 16 point, 14 rebound performance against Wake one month ago for the 6th time. He has yet to mention that Chris Paul scored 30 points against Cincinnati three days ago and was named ACC Rookie of the Week.

10:50 PM Reddick misses his 5th straight field goal. Vitale is running out of excuses for him and now is instead blaming the crescent moon on Reddick's shooting woes.

10:51 PM The ESPN ticker says that Hawaii women’s basketball coach Vince Goo will resign at the end of the year. This is the most inconsequential news the ESPN ticker has ever shown.

10:52 PM The ESPN ticker shows the following: Utah 77 Orlando 90. I take back my Vince Goo statement.

10:58 PM Underrated Daniel Ewing bricks a 3… hard. Luol Deng grabs one of those long rebounds that requires blind luck and more blind luck to get. Dick Vitale calls it “a wonderful offense rebound” and says that “this really shows what Deng can do”. He fails to mention that Stephen Hawking could have pulled down the rebound if he had been in the game.

10:59 p.m.
Vitale - Listen to this Mike Patrickk! Duke has won five straight ACC tournaments, they’ve finished no worse than 2nd in the ACC since 1997, they’ve won 20 games for eight straight years, three national titles, 13 Final Fours, eight National Player of the Year Awards. What’s not to like about Duke????

Mike Patrick – Absolutely nothing.

Absolutely nothing? Who are you, Edwin Starr? What’s not to like about Duke? I can think of a few reasons:
- Coach K always whined about how Dean Smith got favorable calls from officials and now he has turned into what he bitched about for years.
- The Cameron Crazies are not at all crazy. Loud and clever, yes. But not crazy. You can’t be crazy if you pre-plan your cheers and send them out on a listserv before the game. You can’t be crazy if you let a Wake Forest student cheer for his team loudly while sitting in the student section. Nor can you be crazy when after the game you go back to study for a chem test.
- Their team name honors Satan.
- Most of the players that Duke sends to the NBA have had careers that even LaRue Martin wouldn’t envy.
- Coach K whines about the Maryland fans being mean and vulgar, when he coaches at a school that once held up a sign that said “J.R. Can’t Reid, in reference to UNC star J.R. Reid’s academic trouble. Frankly, that sign is infinitely funnier than Maryland fans chanting “F--- you, J.J”, but Coach K should worry about other things than opposing fans. (I can’t diss Maryland and praise Duke, so I’ll tell you my favorite all time heckle: The “Unemployed” chant the fans at Cole Field House serenaded Mike Dunleavy Sr. with after he was fired from his NBA coaching job.
- Steve Wojciechowski.
- The picture in Sports Illustrated a few weeks ago that showed the Cameron Crazies taunting a player on the Tennessee women’s basketball team.
- By beating undefeated UNLV in the 1991 Final Four, they ruined any chance we had at seeing a special hour-long Sportscentury about that team. Can you imagine how great that episode would have been? You’d get a story about Tark biting on his towel, one of those interviews that takes place during a long walk on a back road with present-day Stacey Augmon discussing the hot tub picture, an interview with Moses Scurry where there’d be subtitles because you can't understand a word he says (this is the same Moses Scurry who was once asked if he would be academically eligible to play basketball and responded "Is Reagen president?". Of course, it was 1990 and George Bush was president) and an analysis of how George Ackles managed to not talk-trash while playing with his jaw wired shut in the 1990 Final Four. If the ’91 Runnin’ Rebels finished undefeated, we would have seen a SportsCentury on them for sure. Maybe even a movie. The guy who plays Uncle Junior on Sopranos could have been Tark, Larry Johnson could play himself, and the guy from Kid n’ Play could be Anderson Hunt. But noooooo, the Dukies had to ruin it all.
- If you rearrange the letters of Duke Blue Devils you get Subdued Evil Elk. And that’s just plain scary.

11:01 PM Mike Patrick mentions that if Coach K’s 24 years of coaching, he has won National Coach of the Year eight times, or an average of one every three years. Vitale responds, “he should have had more.” I’m just going to leave this one alone.

11:05 PM Vitale says that the Wake fans are doing a great job of inspiring their team, just like the Cameron Crazies do at Duke. Even when praising Wake, Vitale manages to sneak in some Duke love. I wonder if when Dickie V tells his wife that he loves her, he adds on, “just like I love Chris Duhon’s transition game.”

11:09 PM Chris Paul drains a 3 to put Wake up by five. He quietly has 17 points in the 2nd half. Vitale, though, is still talking about Shelden Williams’ game a month ago.

11:11 PM J.J. Reddick bricks a long jump shot. He has two points in the game. Vitale compliments Reddick’s ball-fake and work ethic. Reddick had a horrible game, was completely shut down by Justin Gray, yet Vitale still can't say anything bad about him. I wonder if Vitale is the same way when it comes to other things. I'm sure he's a big John Travolta fan since they are both Italian, so do you think when he came out of Battlefield Earth Vitale said something like, "John was very believable as the seven-foot tall, dreadlocked, evil Scientologist alien."

11:15 PM Wake is putting the finishing touches on their victory. Vitale commends the Deacs effort, but mentions that Duke has it tough because “every team guns for them because of the jersey they wear.” This is sort of like what happens when teams play UNC and gun for them because of their socks.

11:19 PM Wake wins 90-84.

11:19.01 PM Vitale points out that Duke is still first in the ACC.

11:19.02 PM I turn the TV off to relish Wake's victory and relax in a Vitale-free environment. It won't last too long though, Duke plays Maryland on Sunday.