If Uncle Jesse Played Baseball He Would Have Had 700 HR's By Now

- Can somebody please explain to me why Barry Bonds tying Willie Mays for third on the all-time homerun list is such a big deal?
It’s not like he broke any record, or reached a magical number. He didn’t even pass anybody on the list. All he did was hit a homerun that TIED him for third place.
Do we really need ESPN to cut into live broadcasts with coverage of each of Bonds’ at-bats? Or 50 replays of it on the news?
ESPN replayed the homer like CNN plays the Zapruder film. Sportscenter devoted more time to Barry today then it did to Phil Mickelson yesterday. Lefty actually won something. All Bonds did was move 95 homeruns closer to tying Hank Aaron.
Ridiculous.
But not as ridiculous as what happened after Bonds hit the 3rd-place tying homerun. He hits the ball into McCovey Cove, rounds the bases, has only two teammates waiting for him at home plate (a nice touch, I thought. I’m glad the Giants players didn’t act like a) this was a big deal or b) they actually like Bonds) and then receives some apathetic high-fives from his teammates. Then they actually stopped the game and Willie Mays came out with something in his hands that looked like a bat. I figured it was the bat he used to hit his 660th homerun.
Nope.
See, that might actually have made sense. Instead Mays gave his godson a torch. Or, more appropriately, he passed a torch to Barry. Literally. It was the cheesiest sporting moment
Shoot, Barry even gave a press conference yesterday about the homerun yesterday, and we all know a Bonds press conference happens about as often as Chris Tucker appears in a movie.
And during said press conference Bonds wore a special hat thats brim wasn’t bent at all and one of those t-shirts that looked like it was spray painted in a kiosk at Kings Dominion. I kept thinking he was going to announce his plans to go on a mall-tour like he was Tiffany, circa 1987.
A special t-shirt to commerate tying for 3rd place on the list? If he’s wearing that at this juncture of the chase, I shudder to think what fashion faux pas he will make when he ties the Babe.
(Maybe for old-times sake Bonds will bring back the dangly earring Cross he wore for most of his early career. That thing made him look like he was the frontman in a Wham! cover-band. Awesome stuff.)
After this wall-to-wall coverage of Bonds’ 660th, I fully expect ESPN to have the same coverage of Ruben Sierra’s at-bats next year when he has the chance to tie Robin Yount for third place on the all-time sacrifice fly list. Then I want special analysis of the moment by Peter Gammons, Pedro Gomez, John Buccigross, Mary Lou Retton and Sting.
Especially John Buccigross.

- John Stamos had a rough day yesterday.
First he and his wife Rebecca Romijn-Stamos announced the seperation after five years of marriage. Then, in a true “kick-a-man-in-the-groin-when-he’s-down” moment, Nickelodeon aired the Full House episode where Uncle Jesse plays basketball and gets outplayed by Danny and Uncle Joey and three guys wearing plaid shorts who were being coached by Kimmy Gibbler.
The premise of the episode is that Uncle Jesse sucks at basketball. I’m not talking Kwame Brown suckiness, I’m talking Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf sucking. I didn’t see the whole show, but apparently there was some sort of 3-on-3 basketball tournament and for some reason D.J. and Kimmy Gibbler were coaching in the finals, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was the referee. Uncle Jesse shot like a 6-year old girl, didn’t know how to dribble and played defense like he was on the Mavericks.
Of course he made the game winning shot, but it wasn’t enough to erase the image of Jesse hiding behind Joey because Kareem called a travel after Jesse ran with the ball in his hands without dribbling.
Nickelodeon could have easily shown the episode where Uncle Jesse was drumming with the Beach Boys or the episode where he played Uncle Jesse in addition to his evil Greek cousin that was just Uncle Jesse with more chest hair and an accent. But no, they had to show Stamos’ low-point of his Full House career the day he and his wife spilt-up. Shame on you Nickelodeon. Shame on you.