July Preview

July 2 - Spider-Man 2, in its second day of release brings in $35.4 million at the box-office. Upon hearing this, George Steinbrenner immediately calls Sony Pictures and offers a 12-year, $453 million contract for Peter Parker to become the Yankees fifth starter.

July 2 - Mike Krzyzewski holds his own press conference to deny that he will be leaving Duke to take the head coaching job with the Los Angeles Lakers. He gives three reasons for turning down the job: 1) He won’t be able to recruit players from all over the country, 2) He’ll miss the home-court advantage that Duke has at Cameron Indoor Stadium, 3) Frank Scagliotta, Duke Edsell and Ted Valentine refuse to leave the ACC to referee in the NBA.

July 3 - Maria Sharapova loses to Serena Williams in the finals of Wimbledon but gets endorsement deals from Nike, Volvo, American Express, Colgate and Smirnoff Vodka. The comparisons to Anna Kournikova are only stoked further when it is revealed that Sharapova has been secretly married to Jerome Iginla for the past four years.

July 4 - As Andy Roddick is capturing his first Wimbledon crown, an amateur not named Michelle Wie wins the U.S. Women’s Open. The media jumps off the Wie bandwagon and proclaims her washed-up at age 14. Wie will have a Jennifer Capriati-like comeback at age 17, but not before being arrested for buying crack from Todd Bridges.

July 4 - The MLB All-Star game starters are announced. Among the players not deserving of roster spots are Jason Giambi, Derek Jeter and whichever guy Joe Torre picks from the Royals.

July 5 - The rumor mill buzzes with the news that Kobe Bryant will sign a contract with the Phoenix Suns. Upon hearing this, Jack Nicholson goes to Kobe’s house and offers him a starring role in A Few More Good Men if he stays with the Lakers.

July 6 - Kobe Bryant signs a contract with the Los Angeles Lakers, however turns down a role in the sequel to A Few Good Men because the story-line about an up-and-coming Naval officer who is court-marshaled for an alleged sexual assault is too much of a “stretch”.

July 9 - Eric Gagne gives up a game-winning homerun to Carlos Beltran, ending his streak of 84 consecutive appearances without a blown save. Soon after, Gagne’s native Canada drops him from their projected 2005 Baseball World Cup roster and has open tryouts for the closer role. In a close battle, Alan Thicke edges out Alex Trebek for the spot.

July 11 - John Wooden turns down the Lakers head coaching job.
July 12 - Jim Thome, the heavy favorite at the Century-21 Home Run Derby, fails to advance past the first round. In his post-derby press conference, Thome blames his poor performance on the pressure he felt trying to win a house for his designated contestant, Mike Tyson.

July 14 - Midway through his quest for his sixth consecutive Tour de France victory, Lance Armstrong loses the yellow jersey on the first treacherous mountain stage of the Tour. The French media speculates that Armstrong has lost his patented uphill power but that theory is later refuted by an Associated Press report that Armstrong’s poor performance was attributed to the fact that he had girlfriend Sheryl Crow’s song “Soak Up the Sun” stuck in his head for the entire stage.

July 15 - Two hours before his tee-time at the British Open, Tiger Woods receives a call from Mitch Kupchak. After wishing Tiger good luck, Kupchak cuts to the chase and offers the golfer the Lakers head coaching job. Tiger declines, goes on to shoot a 74, fires caddy Steve Williams and replaces him with a lovable Cockney chap from Uxbridge named Pip.

July 18 - Tiger Woods finishes the British in 36th place. Soon after, he reconciles with Steve Williams and fires Pip, even though the lovable Cockney chap had been spot-on with yardages and club selections all weekend. Upon his dismissal, Pip spits on Tiger’s shoe and yells, “Blimey yew geeza, I ‘ope yew lose evhry taaahramen’ yer in fer da George Best ov yaahr daiz, I doz. Nuff said, yeh?”

July 22 - Despite career averages of 8.9 points and 7.2 rebounds per game, Erick Dampier signs a maximum contract with the Los Angeles Lakers. Upon hearing this, Jack Nicholson moves to Memphis and buys season tickets to the Grizzlies, but not before turning down the Lakers job as well.

July 25 - Germany’s Jan Ulrich wins the Tour de France, denying Lance Armstrong his sixth consecutive victory. The French celebrate the German’s victory by immediately surrendering.

July 27 - The Philadelphia Eagles are among the first NFL teams to report to training camp. After their first practice Donovan McNabb and Terrell Owens walk off the field with their arms around each other, causing the Philadelphia Inquirer to run the picture the next day on its front page with the headline, “Brotherly Love”.

July 28 - Terrell Owens has an impromptu press-conference outside the Eagles training camp facilities at Lehigh University where he:
1) rips Eagles coach Andy Reid for his workouts
2) insists that Jeff Blake replace Donovan McNabb as the Eagles starting QB
and
3) demands a trade to the Lakers
The outburst causes the Philadelphia Inquirer to run T.O.’s picture the next day on its front page with the headline, “Brotherly Love?”

July 31 - At a press conference from the Staples Center, Jerry Buss announces that the Los Angeles Lakers have hired a new head coach. His name? Pip, a lovable Cockney chap from Uxbridge.