NFL Power Rankings: Week 1

1) New England Patriots - Until they lose, the Patriots will stay atop the Power Rankings. Do I think they’re the best team in the league? No. Do I think they’ll win the Super Bowl? No. Am I starting to sound like Arnie, the guy on Seinfeld that broke up with the chick from Will and Grace because George said she could do a lot better than him? I believe I am.

2) Philadelphia Eagles - The Philadelphia Inquirer is reporting in their final editions that today on the Eagles off-day, Donovan McNabb and Terrell Owens will fly to Massachusetts to be legally married. Brian Westbrook will be the best man and Donovan’s niece will handle the flower girl duties after T.O.’s first choice, Jeff Garcia, declined the offer.

3) Green Bay Packers - John Madden says the Panthers defensive line is the best in football, but that didn’t phase Brett Favre, Ahman Green or the Packers O-line at all. Of course, John Madden also says Tinactin is tough-actin’ when the product is actually more affable than anything.

4) Denver Broncos - Quentin Griffin looked great against the Chiefs, but he’ll come back down to earth Sunday when he’ll face a Jaguars defense that ranked second against the run last season. I have no sarcastic comments to follow.

5) Minnesota Vikings - Daunte Culpepper is on pace to throw 80 touchdown passes this season. Even if he does that, Barry Bonds will still probably win the MVP.

6) Indianapolis Colts - If Mike Vanderjagt can be nicknamed “Money”, then Gilbert Brown should be called “Slim”.

7) Tennessee Titans - They get a pass on their stinker versus the Dolphins because just being in the city where Ricky Williams once lived probably gave them a contact high.

8) Seattle Seahawks - When two overrated, over hyped teams play, somebody has to get the W. Just look at the Notre Dame – Michigan game.

9) Washington Redskins - Too high you say? Being a homer, am I? Maybe I am. But for all you Joe Gibbs skeptics out there, here’s a little stat for you. The Redskins have been playing football since 1932, a total of 71 seasons. Joe Gibbs coached in 12 of those seasons, plus one game. Yesterday’s win gave the franchise a total of 500 wins, 125 of which were under Joe Gibbs.

10) Kansas City Chiefs - Gunther Cunningham did as much for the Chiefs defense as Dennis Miller did for Monday Night Football. Speaking of which, what’s what ABC putting the names of the directors and producers at the beginning of the MNF telecast. It’s a football game, not an episode of Two and a Half Men.

11) New York Jets - There are only two things more underrated than Curtis Martin: Ed and Cherry Coke.

12) Carolina Panthers - As I wrote yesterday, a team’s season isn’t decided by their first-week result. Regardless, that was a pretty uninspired effort from the defending NFC champions. Taking a cue from Oprah, Panthers owner Jerry Richardson is going to buy the entire team cars to cheer them up.

13) St. Louis Rams - The Greatest Show on Turf? More like The Greatest Show on the Turf of a Field That’s Near a Big Arch.

14) Jacksonville Jaguars - I’m kind of upset that Monday Night Football isn’t having that football musician battle this year during halftime. I really enjoyed seeing Joey Harrington on piano duking it out against a rapping Marcellus Wiley.

15) Atlanta Falcons - Michael Vick not taking advantage of a secondary that features Mike Rumph is like a thief not stealing from an open bank vault.

16) Pittsburgh Steelers - People in Pittsburgh probably don’t have too much to look forward to this season. But at least Teri Hatcher is back on network television on ABC’s Desperate Housewives. Seriously, how has it taken her so long to get back on the small screen? NBC will green light crap like Inside Schwartz and Father of the Pride, yet couldn’t find a way to get Teri Hatcher on TV? Have you seen her body? They’re real and they’re spectacular.

17) Cleveland Browns - That’s two Seinfeld references in one posting. That beats my previous record of... one.

18) New Orleans Saints - The Deuce wasn’t as much loose as he was reduced.

19) Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Yesterday at the Redskins-Bucs game Shawn King, wife of Larry King, sang the National Anthem. When they announced her name, I thought they were talking about Shaun King, the Bucs third-string QB. Then when I got home I read an article about NFL player Shawn King, who talked about how he loves smoking the Ricky-icky-icky. I didn’t know if the article was about Shaun King, QB, or Shawn King, Larry King’s eighth wife. It wasn’t until I clicked on the link that I found out that it was about a former Colts defensive lineman named Shawn King. That’s three Shawn/Shaun King’s in one day. I haven’t had an experience like that since my Jason Williams debacle of 1999.

20) Cincinnati Bengals - Does the spelling of Rudi Johnson’s first-name make him a) more girlie, b) less girlie, c) none of the above?

21) Baltimore Ravens - Every time a team coached by self-proclaimed genius Brian Billick scores less than a touchdown, a person gets their MENSA membership. Or maybe an angel gets their wings. I can never remember.

22) Detroit Lions - Speaking of Teri Hatcher, it’s been a while since there’s been a Lawrence brother on television.

23) Buffalo Bills - I’ve seen a total of three highlights from the Bills-Jags game, so really don’t have much to say about either. So instead, I’ll talk about that Gatorade commercial where everybody thanks Mia Hamm for, presumably, being Mia Hamm. I have two thoughts: 1) Is there anybody more annoying than Brandi Chastain? She’s like that annoying chick from that one sorority you hate that always seems to be in one of your history classes, answering questions and giving you dirty looks when you get called on and clearly don’t know what you’re talking about and end up just piecing together an answer culled from what other people have said and general statements about “leadership” and “visionaries”. Surely this has happened to other people besides the Wolfman? 2) Check out Michael Jordan’s jeans. It looks like he stole them from A.C. Slater’s closet.

24) Chicago Bears - Will Rex Grossman be more like Danny Wuerffel or Shane Matthews? Only time will tell.

25) Dallas Cowboys - The Eddie George era is off to a blazing start.

26) Oakland Raiders - Jerry Rice is now behind Doug Gabriel on the Raiders depth chart. In other news, NBC announced Tom Brokaw’s replacement on The Nightly News will be Pauly Shore.

27) San Diego Chargers - Did everybody underestimate Drew Brees or overestimate the Texans defense? I think it’s a little from column A and a little from column B.

28) Houston Texans - Did everybody underestimate Drew… oh, right.

29) Arizona Cardinals - In most places there are no such things as moral victories. Well, most places aren’t Arizona.

30) San Francisco 49ers - I had a really good joke about Jeff Garcia and his girlfriend, Playboy Playmate of the Year Carmella Decesare (thanks for the pic, which is safe for work, Hurricane Riley), but since both my mom and an alleged ten-year old (who e-mailed me to tell me that he loves my blog and Wake Forest Basketball) both check this site regularly, I’ll keep it to myself. But if you want, try to piece it together this way: Garcia, girlfriend, “She’s into it?”, surprise!, Derek Jeter?

31) New York Giants - I don’t know what I liked more: Eli Manning going 3 for 9 in his NFL debut or Eli getting hit so hard by Jerome McDougle that even Archie was hurting. Wait, I’m lying. I enjoyed Eli getting pummeled so much more.

32) Miami Dolphins - The only thing that will make this season tolerable in Miami is some of that real Ricky-icky-icky.