You've Got Mail 2: Mail Harder

Headaches are one of the common side effects of this new painkilling patch I’m now using. So, this patch that is designed to reduce pain in my foot is actually creating pain in my head. If only my brain didn’t hurt, I’d so be appreciating the irony right now.
The rankings of the NFL’s final four (can we get a law in place to ensure that the words “final four” will only be used when referring to the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament? Frankly, when the producers of The Real Gilligan’s Island are promoting their “final four” show, it kind of cheapens the whole thing, doesn’t it?) will not be happening today, since I’m still having trouble piecing together an analytical sentence that doesn’t include the words “awesome” or “so awesome”.
Plus, between Sports Illustrated, The Sporting News, ESPN: The Magazine, Sportsline.com, SI.com, ESPN.com, The NFL Channel, ESPN, EA Sports NFL Matchup, NFL Live, that segment where John Clayton and Sean Salisbury yell at each other with obvious homoerotic overtones, George Michael's Sports Machine, Chris Mortensen, Sean Salisbury, Ron Jaworski, Tony Siragusa, Pro Football Weekly, USA Today, Michael Wilbon, Tony Kornheiser, Woody Paige, ESPN2, CNN Headline News, that weird guy with the glasses at the other end of the bar, The Wolfman (might be the same person) and/or Michel Irvin's P.O, I think every single facet of the game, right down to which foods are going to be on the Eagles post-game spread, has been discussed and I really don’t know how much more I can add.
However, I will try tomorrow when I’ll be making my Championship Game predictions.
For today’s reading enjoyment, here are a series of e-mails that I exchanged today with my friend Greg, who once, when asked, if he had packed all the stuff into the boxes, replied, “Die Hard 3?”

From: gfalkowski@hustler.com
To: chrisachase@comcast.net
1:57 p.m.

I was reading espn insider about the potential Randy Moss trade, and the package they came up with for the skins was a #1, a #2, and Lavar… It seems like a lot but the D was good without Lavar. This may be a far fetched thing, but if it happened would you be pissed, think it was fair, or would you think it’s a good trade.

From: chrisachase@comcast.net
To: gfalkowski@hustler.com
3:31 p.m.

I love LaVar. Not platonically, but for real. I am in love with LaVar Arrington, much like you were in love with that chick who wore the beret. What was her name again? Siobhan? Or was that somebody else? Anyway, I digress.
You’re right, the defense was good without LaVar, but during four or five plays per game this year you could see Lemar Marshall missing a tackle or playing out of position (which isn’t his fault… after all, it’s not his fault he’s Lemar Marshall) and think, “LaVar would have blown that play up!.”
The defense will be better with him back next season, provided that LaVar steps up his game. Even though I’m his biggest fan, I still can see that LaVar is a bit overrated. Far too often he’ll over-pursue or be out of position or try to make a big hit when a simple one will do. But, in his defense, he played that way when he was the leader of a directionless defense. With Gregg Williams at the helm, LaVar will deserve it when he is referred to as one of the best linebackers in the NFL.
That’s why I don’t think the Redskins will get rid of him. He means far too much to this defense. That they were the best defense in the NFL without him doesn’t mean that he is replaceable, it just means that Williams D was that good.
The only way LaVar will wear a jersey that isn’t burgundy and gold is if, down the line, his cap hit becomes unwieldy, like Stephen Davis’ two seasons ago. Arrington is the Redskins and wants to be here when Joe Gibbs starts showing today’s NFL why he is a Hall of Famer.
That being said, there is absolutely no way the Redskins are trading for Randy Moss, no matter what the price. Joe Gibbs would never allow a guy like Moss on his team and since Gibbs is the de facto GM of the team (he approves all decisions), he won’t have to.
Gibbs has coached drug addicts (Dexter Manley, Tony Peters), free spirits (John Riggins), prima donnas (George Rogers, Brian Mitchell) and plenty of guys with attitude problems. He can deal with that.
What Gibbs can’t, and won’t, tolerate is a player who doesn’t give his all on every play. Randy Moss, with his jogging on routes and lackadaisical blocking, would never last on a Joe Gibbs coached team.
Even if Gibbs had been thinking about pursuing Moss in the off-season, the fact that the coach got an up-close view of Randy walking off the field while the Vikings-Redskins game was still going on, clinched that he wouldn't.

From: gfalkowski@hustler.com
To: chrisachase@comcast.net
3:36 p.m.

Wow, thanks for the thesis. Why do I feel like you put more effort into that e-mail than you did for any of the papers you wrote in college?
The most amazing part is that nowhere in your incoherent ramblings did you really answer my question.
I know you love LaVar. Remember? I told you to seek help based on your love for him. But what I really wanted to know was what type of situation would make you comfortable with giving up LaVar, for any player, not just Moss.

From: chrisachase@comcast.net
To: gfalkowski@hustler.com
3:44 p.m.

Touche Mr. Mackey… touche.
First of all, how good is that Game CD. “We Ain’t” is one of those songs that you keep turning louder and louder until you either a) blow out your speakers or b) see MAX VOL on your stereo display, whereupon you curse the knob for not going to 11. I haven’t played a song so much since I first heard “Perfect Gentleman”.
But back to LaVar. I would never be comfortable with the Redskins trading LaVar. Any trade proposal that I would approve of would be so ridiculous that it would never happen. Meaning, if the ‘Skins were going to ship LaVar and a 1st round draft choice to the Colts for Peyton Manning, I would take that. But, of course, that would never happen.
But let’s say that the Colts were trying to shop Dwight Freeney and wanted LaVar in return. In that case, I’d only support a trade if the Redskins could also get, say, a 1st and 2nd rounder from Indy. Like I said, this would never happen. So, the short answer is, nothing anybody could realistically offer would make me comfortable with giving up LaVar.
Now, Mark Brunell? Well, that’s a whole other story.