Shavlik: Polish for "What the F***?!"

I had planned on writing about both the sheer awesomeness of Dwayne Wade and the eminent likability of the Miami Heat (seriously, how can you dislike a team that features Shaq, Wade and 'Zo and is coached by a guy that looks like Ron Jeremy's body double? Throw in the fact that they play their games a few minutes from South Beach and you have a team I can get on board with), but the past few hours have been a whirlwind of activity after I announced my intention to forego my final four years of NCAA eligibility and enter the NBA Draft.
I figured, what the hell... If a stiff like Shavlik Randolph can put his name in the hat, I might as well try too.

Uhhh, wait a second. Are you trying to tell me that Shavlik Randolph - the same Shavlik Randolph that averaged 4.4 points per game and 4.3 rebounds per game last season is trying to enter the NBA Draft?

Well, I'm not trying to tell you, I'm telling you; he announced his intentions to go pro.

Wait, let me get this straight. We're talking about the same Shavlik Randolph that made Luke Schenscher look like Ralph Sampson earlier this year? The same Shavlik Randolph that will go down along with Sean Dockery and Greg Newton as the biggest busts in Duke basketball history?

Well, I know I'm talking about that Shavlik Randolph.

I don't think you are. Shavlik Randolph, the guy who played 60 minutes in the 2005 NCAA Tournament and had twice as many personal fouls (11) as he did points (5), thinks he can make an impact in the NBA, when he couldn't even do that against Delaware State? This is the guy that you think is going pro?

I think I've been quite clear on this italicized conscience.

Have you? It's just a little hard to believe that Shavlik Randolph, who missed some time earlier this year with mono (presumably from playing spin-the-bottle with J.J. Redick), is going to join Marvin Williams, Andrew Bogut and Chris Paul as early entries into the NBA Draft.

Yes, I know it's hard to believe, but it's true.

Well, isn't there something we can do about this? Can we call that mop-haired putz Ashton Kutcher and ask him to set-up some sort of elaborate Punk'd at the NBA Draft where one of his minions poses as an NBA GM and convinces Randolph that he's going to be a lottery pick which gets Randolph an invite to the Green Room where he'll be forced to watch guys like John Gilchrist and Randolph Morris get picked before him? Eventually, Randolph's cell phone would ring and it would be Aaron Rodgers telling him to hang in there, but then when the middle of the second round comes along and Randolph is chillin' with the janitors Kutcher would jump out from behind the curtains laughing, causing Shavlik to burst into tears Chris Carrawell-style and run into the streets of Manhattan rueing the day he ever claimed 'That '70s Show' was his second favorite TV program. Man, how awesome would that be?

Umm... that's pretty... good...? Although, if you could somehow get Tony Danza involved in your diabolical scheme, me, 2Pac's boys and Danny Pintauro would give you all the help you need.

Boss.