Tony Danza's Date With Destiny

May 10, 2005, 1:43 a.m.
From: Wolfman
To: Chris
Rusty Wallace earned himself an enemy for life today.

May 10, 2005, 9:51 a.m.
From: Chris
To: Wolfman
If he's lucky, me and Danny Pintauro will only break his kneecaps.

For those who don't aimlessly reload ESPN.com 76 times per hour or have never seen The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon, The Wolfman and I were referring to the talk-show segment gone awry in which NASCAR veteran Rusty Wallace ran one of America's biggest and brightest stars, Tony Danza, off a go-kart course, causing the award-winning actor to flip over in his mini-whip numerous times.
Luckily for Wallace and humanity, Danza was unharmed in the incident.
My innocence wasn't so lucky.
Forty-eight hours ago we lived in a world where Tony Danza was a modern-day Adonis: An invincible man with a great head of hair.
Today, Tony Danza is mortal.
How does something like this happen? Are we as a country really prepared to lose Tony Danza in a freak go-kart accident? Shouldn't there be laws preventing national treasures from being handled in such a manner?
If I went into the Library of Congress with a huge plate of hot wings and used the Declaration of Independence to wipe my hands, I would be put in jail. But somehow Tony Danza can get run off a makeshift go-kart course in Manhattan by some hillbilly in a Miller Lite jumpsuit who then jokes about it and this is acceptable? I fail to see how these two things are any different.
Let's look at the facts: Rusty Wallace played car-footsie with Tony Danza at 15 mph and his recklessness caused a helmet-less Danza to flip his go-kart over some tires that were serving as barriers on the course. And this isn't an arrestable offense? I once got a $250 citation for drinking at a freakin' tailgate, and Rusty Wallace can walk away from almost killing Tony Danza? What is this, Bolshevik Russia?
Rusty Wallace should be in prison right now, or forced to sit Clockwork Orange-style and watch the entire nine seasons of Who's the Boss.
Maybe then, and only then, will Wallace realize how perilously close he came to altering the course of history forever.
Does Rusty Wallace not know about Tony Danza's pivotal role in making the United States the superpower it is today?
Where was Rusty back when Tony Danza ruled America like Joe DiMaggio a generation before?
Was he too busy drinking moonshine with Uncle Jasper to watch Taxi and appreciate the subtle sophistication that Danza brought to the show? Or had television not been introduced to the south yet?
Where was Wallace during the late '80s, when the name "Danza" was synonymous with "machismo".
Are we really to believe that Rusty Wallace never watched Who's the Boss and marveled how Tony Danza, a sensitive guy from Brooklyn with a rugged exterior played Tony Miceli, a sensitive guy from Brooklyn with a rugged exterior. (See, their last names were different, people. Stanislavsky, eat your heart out.)
But I'll give Wallace the benefit of the doubt and assume that he has seen the show that finished 6th in the year-end Nielsen Ratings in 1987-1988 (just behind Growing Pains which, at the time, featured tour-de-force performances from Kirk Cameron week in and week out).
Maybe Rusty was just more enamored with Judith Light than he was with Danza's biting wit and thought that Tony Danza the talk-show host was just another Montell Williams wanna-be. That's really the only excuse he can have.
I mean, how could you knowingly bump Tony Danza? That's like playing in a charity hockey game with the Pope and hip-checking him through the glass.
I think it's safe to assume Wallace never saw the episode of WTB? where Tony and Angela are on a train to Washington and Angela makes Tony sleep on the floor of their train berth, but Tony can't get comfortable so he climbs into bed with her (right) and, in an attempt to get snuggled in properly, moves his backside into her hip until she wakes up and gets mad at him?
Seriously, that exchange between two comic titans makes the conveyer belt scene from I Love Lucy look like a clip from A Minute With Stan Hooper. One day when the world of Harry Potter becomes reality and books have moving, life-like pictures in them, that scene between Danza and Light will be in the dictionary next to the definition of "Utter Hilarity".
So I suppose not knowing the greatness of Tony Danza can be Wallace's only excuse for nearly killing him, but isn't not knowing how amazing Tony Danza is just as big a crime?
You know the answer.
It's been said that Tony Danza is a lucky man for escaping his accident uninjured. And that may be so. But, he's Tony Danza... Nothing bad can happen to him. Instead, I think it's Rusty Wallace that was blessed yesterday.
For if he had hurt Tony Danza he would have had to enter the Witness Protection Program to get away from not only me, The Wolfman, Judith Light, D.P., and the kid who played Billy, but he would have also had to have hidden from those of a slightly more thuggish persuasion.
Chances are slim that an in-bred redneck like Rusty Wallace has seen Tupac Resurrection. It's a shame, because he has been deprived of witnessing an excerpt from a jailhouse interview with 2Pac in which the rapper discusses the inspiring mail he received while in prison on a 1994 rape charge.
Pac says that Snoop, Quincy Jones, Jesse Jackson, Mary J. Blige, Whitney Houston and other prominent African-Americans all wrote to him, expressing to him their undying support. And while Pac says he appreciated their thoughts and prayers very much, he said it was another letter that moved him to get his life turned around in the joint.
As the interview progresses, the man born Tupac Amaru Shakur says that, even though he had never met the man that wrote the letter, his words were inspirational and he felt a connection with his new friend, despite the vast cultural, economic and racial differences between them.
As the camera zooms in on a weeping 2pac, it simultaneously zooms out to reveal the picture of 2Pac's inspiration.
Who was it you ask?
Tony Freakin' Danza.
If you thought Biggie went down hard, just wait to see what Pac's boys would have done to Rusty Wallace had he somehow hurt Tony Danza. It would not have been pretty my friends.
(I didn't make that up, by the way. I've never laughed harder in a movie theater than I did when Tony Danza's picture came up on screen in Tupac Resurrection. It was like going to Citizen Kane only to see Lil' Jon sledding on Rosebud with his chalice whilst yelling "ORSON WHAAAAAT?")
Rusty Wallace, count your blessings. You very nearly went from being "that NASCAR guy... no, not Jeff Gordon, the other guy" to "the guy that killed Tony Danza".
So, my newfound arch-nemesis, do yourself a favor: Go to amazon.com and purchase all the seasons of Who's the Boss that are out on DVD. For those seasons that aren't, go on eBay and buy them on VHS.
Then, sit on your wicker furniture with a can of Miller Lite and a bowl of pork rinds and bathe in the light of Tony Danza. And always remember; no matter how many turn-left races you win, no matter how many endorsements you receive, no matter how big you might become, Tony Danza will always be the boss.