The Chaz Rankings: Week 5

With one of this site's favorite targets hospitalized, today’s Chaz Rankings will have a somber tone in his honor. We here at Chris’s Sports Blog wish Mike Martz a speedy recovery so he can get back on his feet and continue sending the Rams’ franchise down the crapper by calling for 80 passing plays and going for two early in the 1st quarter of each and every game. And by “we” I mean just me, since this entire enterprise is little more than a solitary man with a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken.

1) Indianapolis Colts (1-1, #1) - Through week 5, it’s clear that the Indianapolis Colts are the best team in the NFL. The defense, which has been Indy’s Achilles heel since Tony Dungy arrived, is ranked 7th in the NFL with help from the NFL’s best lineman, Dwight Freeney. That’s up from 29th in 2004.
Concerns about a less explosive Colts offense is sort of like complaining that Spiderman 2 didn’t make as much money as the original; it’s nearly impossible to top a record breaking effort the next time out. Peyton Manning is as good as ever and with the unbelievably underrated Edgerrin James averaging nearly 105 yards per game on the ground, the Colts have become sort of like that girl with the great personality who finally got a makeover and started looking like Tom Brady’s woman. They’re the total package.
I’d be a bit remiss if I didn’t mention Indy’s soft early schedule though, especially because I reserved judgment on the Bengals for a similar reason. The Colts opponents are a combined 9-14 and the only team Indy has beaten with a winning record is 3-2 Jacksonville, and they struggled in that one. Wins over San Francisco, Cleveland, Baltimore and Tennessee, however impressive, are still wins over San Francisco, Cleveland, Baltimore and Tennessee. Even their upcoming Monday nighter against St. Louis isn’t much of a test, so it’s likely we won’t get to see the real Colts until their eagerly anticipated trip to Foxboro on November 7.

2) Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1, #3) - The Steelers are #2 with an asterisk; if Ben Roethlisberger’s knee injury is as serious as it looked last night, they will plummet in these rankings soon enough. Still, it’s tough to ignore Pittsburgh’s magnificent performance last night in San Diego.
The Steelers held LaDainian Tomlinson largely in check and moved the ball with ease against a San Diego defense that shut down New England just eight days before. With the return of Jerome Bettis adding a new wrinkle to an already efficient offense, Pittsburgh looked like the team that made it to the AFC Championship game in 2004.

3) New England Patriots (3-2, #6) - I’m not nearly as impressed with the win in Atlanta as some people are, but anytime a team can go on the road and grab a victory in a dome, they deserve some credit.
New England, despite the grave predictions to the contrary, is still a very good team regardless of the their injuries. No, they aren’t as good as they’ve been in the past, mainly because its clear that Charlie Weis was more important to the Pats than anyone ever imagined.
Corey Dillon is running like Eddie George, his 3.4 yards-per-carry is worst among any of the top 20 rushers in the NFL. With Tom Brady behind center, New England won’t be out of many games, but it seems Bill Belichick has spread himself a little thin with his egomaniacal decision to run both the defense and offense and his team is suffering as a result.
The Pats will still win the pathetic AFC East, but without homefield in January, their chances of a three-peat are slim.

4) Denver Broncos (4-1, #4) - Portions of Michael Wilbon’s column about the Broncos-Redskins game in yesterday’s Washington Post were almost identical to a conversation I had after watching Denver hold on for their fourth straight victory:

Please don't tell me Jake Plummer can beat a good defense, because he can't. The Jake Plummer show has been going on for years now, in Denver and in Arizona, and it's as much comedy as anything else when you consider the left-handed flips and behind-the-back tosses. You just knew when he was taking snaps in the shadow of his own goal line early in the third quarter that Plummer was one of his vintage screw-ups from blowing the game, and he nearly did, on cue. The tuck rule, which really is a pox on the NFL, saved him from a safety and his team from a loss.

With Plummer taking snaps, Denver can lose any game they play. Tatum Bell and Mike Anderson can only do so much to take the load off him and an overrated defense. Denver is #4 for now, but will slip as the season progresses. Unless, of course, Plummer decides to grow back his unbelievable ‘stache.

5) Cincinnati Bengals (4-1, #6) - Yes, the Bengals finally played a decent team and finally lost, but I was impressed with their effort against the fired-up Jags playing at home in primetime. This doesn’t mean I think Cincy is the best team in the AFC or that their path to the playoffs is clear. I do, however, believe the Bengals are better than I originally thought.

6) Washington Redskins (3-1, #9) - What? The Redskins move up three spots after a loss? And, hold on a minute, they’re the highest ranked team in the NFC? Yes and yes. Let me explain though:
The Redskins are not the best team in the NFC, or even the NFC East for that matter. But these rankings are based on what a team has done and is never meant to be an indicator of what they might do. So, the reason the Redskins are #6, tops for an NFC team, are as follows:
a) They are in first place in the best division in the conference.
b) They went on the road and nearly beat a Broncos team that had blown out the Chiefs in the same stadium.
c) They beat Dallas 14-13 in Dallas.
d) Philadelphia lost 33-10 in Dallas.
e) Atlanta has two losses, including one to Seattle, a team the Redskins beat.
f) They are one of just three one-loss teams in the NFC.
g) One of the other one-loss teams, Tampa Bay, just lost to a team led by a guy who was on his couch watching NFL Countdown in week 3. And they should have lost to the lowly Lions the week before.
h) The Giants, the other team with a single loss, haven’t beat a team with a winning record (the Redskins have two such wins under their belt) and lost their lone game by 22 points.
i) Carolina has lost to New Orleans and Miami.
Like I said, the Redskins aren’t the best team in the NFC. But when you look at those nine facts, it’s tough to argue with their position in these rankings.

7) Philadelphia Eagles (3-2, #2) - I hope the guys on Monday Night Countdown didn’t break any bones while jumping off the Eagles bandwagon.
My goodness, one bad loss and you’d think the Eagles were the freakin’ Washington Generals. They had one bad game on the road against a division opponent for crap’s sake! Can’t we give the Eagles the benefit of the doubt on this one?
Plus, my buddy Falkow reports that Philly never does well before a bye week (they are 1-3 before their week off in the past four seasons, which is fairly remarkable for a team that is 51-15 in all other games during that stretch.)
Yes, they need to run the ball more often, but Sunday against Dallas the Eagles were down 14-0 before they knew it and its tough to establish the run down 14.
The Eagles will be fine; they’re not as good as they were last year, or the year before, but, then again, neither is the NFC.

8) Jacksonville Jaguars (3-2, #14) - Maybe Chad Johnson just had an off-day, but on TV it appeared that Jacksonville corners Rashean Mathis and Kenny Wright did an effective job shutting down the gold-toothed wonder.
Fred Taylor looks fantastic early in the season, but will wear down if he continues to get 20 carries a game. Offensive coordinator Bill Musgrave needs to begin working LaBrandon Toefield or Greg Jones a little more to give the diminutive FredTay a break if the Jags want to have a shot for the playoffs.

9) Atlanta Falcons (3-2, #8) - The Falcons would have lost by a lot more than a field goal this weekend if Michael Vick were in the game instead of Matt Schaub.

10) Dallas Cowboys (3-2, #17) - The Cowboys are the biggest enigma in the NFL. They’re two plays away from being 5-0 but are also two plays away from being 1-4.
Julius Jones has been as much of a disappointment as Drew Bledsoe has been a surprise, and with the way Bill Parcells has been using him (Jones leads the NFL with 112 carries, but only Corey Dillon has a lower YPC among the top 20 rushers), it’s going to get worse before it gets better.

11) Carolina Panthers (3-2, #15) - With upcoming games against Detroit and Minnesota, the Panthers should be 5-2 headed into their showdown with the Bucs on November 6.

12) Kansas City Chiefs (2-2, #13) - All that talk about the Chiefs improved defense was a tad premature; Gunther Cunningham’s unit ranks 27th in the NFL.

13) New York Giants (3-1, #12) - Before their bye week, the most “stump your friends” trivia question of this young NFL season was, “who is the highest scoring team in the NFL?” The answer: The New York Giants (who, amazingly, still have the 2nd highest total even after their week off).
Here’s another for you: Other than the 49ers, which is the only other defense in the NFL to allow an average of 400 yards per game to their opponents? And which defense is allowing opponents to convert 50% on third downs, worst in the league? I doubt I need to give you the answer.
The Giants record is a mirage; .500 would be a respectable finish for them.

14) Seattle Seahawks (3-2, #16) - Shaun Alexander is the Alex Rodriguez of the NFL. They both pad their gaudy stats with late-game outbursts after the contest has already been decided. (And speaking of A. Rod, that was one hell of a playoffs for him; 2-15, 0 RBI and a rally-killing double play in the top of the 9th last night. Give that man the MVP!)

15) San Diego Chargers (2-3, #5) - At what point do we stop giving the Chargers the benefit of the doubt?
We don’t. They’re a good team with a brutal schedule. They could easily finish 8-8 and most would then consider last season a fluke, when this season will actually be the flukey one.
And what are they going to do with Drew Brees next year? Bringing in Philip Rivers effectively concedes the season, but they are going to have to do it at some point.

16) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-1, #10) - The Bucs are the most overrated team in the NFL. Their defense, while spectacular, isn’t enough to make up for an anemic offense that will struggle whether Cadillac Williams is in the lineup or not.
They’re 4-1 only because the refs handed them the Lions game (is it just me, or has the instant replay system resulted in some terrible overturned calls this year? The Joey Harrington fumble on Sunday that was ruled an incomplete pass after a challenge was the worst call I’ve ever seen in an NFL game) and without any semblance of a receiving corps, the Bucs will fade in a tough NFC South.

17) Buffalo Bills (2-3, #22) - In 2004 the Bills defense was #3 against the rush. In 2005 the Bills defense is #31 against the rush.

18) New York Jets (2-3, #27) - He’s been counted out prematurely before, but I think the end is finally near for Curtis Martin, who will go down as the most underappreciated running back of his generation.

19) Oakland Raiders (1-3, #19) - If there’s one thing Norv Turner knows how to do… Wait, let me start over. There’s one thing Norv Turner knows how to do: Get the most out of his running backs. Lamont Jordan is in good hands in Oakland.

20) St. Louis Rams (2-3, #20) - Now that Mike Martz isn’t on the sidelines, maybe Steven Jackson will actually get some carries. These 34-31 shootouts with Marc Bulger throwing the ball 50 times isn’t the answer.

21) Tennessee Titans (2-3, #21) - Whatever happened to Chris Brown? One year ago he was going to be the savior in Tennessee, this year I’ve barely heard anything about him.

22) Miami Dolphins (2-2, #11) - Nick Saban needs to get himself a quarterback to go along with the Ronnie Brown/Ricky Williams backfield tandem. Gus Frerotte is a Trent Dilfer-type who can be effective on a good team, but can’t improve a bad one.

23) Cleveland Browns (2-2, #26) - Have you noticed how much Chris Berman and Tom Jackson suck up to Romeo Crennel on NFL Primetime? They actually congratulated him on the Browns win over Chicago on this week’s show. Lil’ Romeo could have coached Cleveland to a win over the Bears, for crap’s sake.

24) Green Bay Packers (1-4, #29) - There won’t be any comeback for the Packers this year; their next four games are: at Minnesota, at Cincinnati, vs. Pittsburgh, at Atlanta. The two easiest games on the slate were in weeks 1 and 2 and Green Bay blew it. 8-8 should take the NFC North, but its tough to find seven wins left on the Pack’s schedule.

25) Detroit Lions (2-2, #24) - During Sunday’s game against the Ravens, the CBS announcers (whom I ranted about yesterday) were raving about how great Kevin Jones was running the ball. In total, Jones carried the ball 22 times on Sunday for 58 yards, for a George-esque 2.2 yard average. For the season Jones is averaging 2.9 per carry and has yet to top 90 yards in a single game. The passing game was supposed to open up the run for Kevin Jones, but it hasn’t. Or maybe Kevin Jones isn’t the guy to run through those holes, who knows. But with five top-11 picks at skill positions on the offense, the Lions need to figure out something quick or Matt Millen and Steve Mariucci will be out of work come January.

26) Chicago Bears (1-3, #23) - Where’s the love for Thomas Jones? The least heralded of all the Jones’ running backs, TJ has 413 yards on just 83 carries this season, good for a 4.8 yard average. If Kyle Orton can put down the JD for a minute and get comfortable behind the offense, Chicago could win the North on the strength of Jones and their fabulous defense.

27) Minnesota Vikings (1-3, #30) - How’s that Nate Burleson pick working out in your fantasy leagues?

28) New Orleans Saints (2-3, #18) - The loss of Deuce McAllister might be the difference between a 5-11 season and a 4-12 one.

29) Arizona Cardinals (1-4, #28) - Josh McCown is looking solid and Larry Fitzgerald is quickly turning into one of the NFL’s premiere receivers. But unless Marcel Shipp or J.J. Arrington can get things going on the ground, the Cardinals will once again have the opportunity to select a bust in the top five of the NFL Draft. (Since Fitzgerald was a top five pick, that’s kind of unfair… Except that it’s not. The Cardinals are a joke.)

30) San Francisco 49ers (1-4, #31) - The 49ers traded their best defensive player, Jamie Winborn, for a mid-round draft choice last week. This is the same 49ers team that is giving up a mind-boggling 450 yards per week, by the way.

31) Baltimore Ravens (1-3, #25) - I refuse to believe that Anthony Wright is one of the best 64 quarterbacks in the United States. Have you seen him play; he looks like a J.V. quarterback who was hastily called up to varsity after the team came down with a bout of food poisoning. He is the worst quarterback I’ve ever seen and that’s saying a lot considering I spent three seasons watching Heath Shuler.

32) Houston Texans (0-4. #32) - In some NFL publication this preseason a writer actually compared David Carr, Domanick Davis and Andre Johnson to Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith and Michael Irvin. Unless David Carr has to constantly defend his sexuality and Andre Johnson is blowing lines off strippers at a Dallas-area Red Roof Inn every Thursday night, I’m not seeing that these guys have too much in common.