NFL Picks: Week 5

New Orleans at Green Bay
After thrilling Mexican fans with a penalty call translated into Spanish, referee Ed Hochuli will announce this game’s first infraction in Hillbilly-speak just for Brett Favre.
Pick: Green Bay

Baltimore at Detroit
John McCain’s new amendment which calls for a ban of “cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment” to anyone in the custody of the U.S. military passed 90-9 in the Senate Wednesday. Of the nine “nay” votes, eight senators said they were holding out until the ban also included the viewing of this game.
Pick: Baltimore

Chicago at Cleveland
If they give Bono a Nobel Prize today, I’m going to… (deep breath)
If it’s announced today that Bono will be awarded with a Nobel Prize, I swear I’ll… (serenity now, serenity now)
When the inevitable news release stating Bono as the newest winner of the Nobel Peace Prize comes out, you won’t be able to stop me from… (sound of teeth grinding)
I really don’t know how to end any of those sentences without dropping 47 f-bombs, a few unseemly compound words and a handful of slurs about the Irish and crappy, pompous, image-conscious musicians. (Note: I wrote that late last night; today it was announced that, thankfully, Bono did not win the award.)
Pick: Cleveland

New England at Atlanta
From Peter King’s Monday Morning Quarterback:

2. I think the best thing I've heard about the Patriots in a long time comes from Phil Simms. "Maybe it's just a reflection of society, but everyone's looking for a reason why the Patriots won't repeat. Fans want to move on and see what's next. I speak to fans in airports and other places and they have actually expressed to me that they are 'tired' of the Patriots. OK, so you're tired of good sportsmanship? Tired of players who handle themselves well in the press? Tired of a team overcoming injuries and other obstacles? It makes you wonder.''
Amen, brother.
As I said, the Patriots have done some things that rub me the wrong way,
like the towel thing in Pittsburgh. Totally unnecessary. But overall, there
hasn't been a group of players, except maybe the current Yankees, that has
the kind of winners' class Joe American Fan likes in his champions.

Twenty bucks says these morons were heartbroken this morning when they heard Bono didn’t win the Nobel Prize.
Pick: New England

Seattle at St. Louis
Wait, you mean to tell me Mike Martz mistakenly called a play last week intended for Marshall Faulk when Steven Jackson was actually in the game and it led to a costly turnover for the Rams? I suppose next you’ll try to convince me that former (and future) D.C. Mayor Marion Barry is in trouble with the law. It’s kooky-talk, I say!
Pick: St. Louis

Tampa Bay at New York Jets
Jason Giambi winning Comeback Player of the Year is objectionable on so many levels I don’t even know where to begin.
For Major League Baseball to reward a player for getting his career back on track after abusing steroids is grossly irresponsible and sends a terrible message to the very children the league is directing their current anti-drug campaign towards.
Baseball’s advertising firm might as well change the slogan of their current anti-drug spot from “steroids don’t make great athletes, they destroy them” to “steroids make great athletes, until you get a messed-up pituitary gland which results in a sickness you claim is food poisoning and eventually sidelines you for the season, but not until you’re subpoenaed to appear before a grand jury and admit your use of steroids, after which you make a public appearance and tearfully apologize for nothing and are welcomed back with open arms by hypocritical New Yorkers who cheer you when you’re on the juice and hitting homers and boo you when you’re off and not, and because of baseball’s ridiculous contracts you still make money even though you’re an admitted cheater; then when you come back and regain your swing after a terrible first month of the season, which raises a few eyebrows considering baseball’s testing policy is still lax, you’ll be showered upon with praise by baseball’s front office for your courageous return for being a pathetic liar and cheater.”
Pick: New York Jets

Tennessee at Houston
The first 5,500 years of human civilization has produced brilliant writing and literature. Writers like Josephus, Chaucer, Shakespeare and Hemingway were the best of their generation and their work will be revered forever. But even those once-in-a-lifetime writers have failed to write the perfect sentence; a sentence that manages to perfect the written word. That sentence, like discovering the meaning of life, has been man’s unreachable endeavor… Until today. For a simple sentence, innocently promoting a future television event, has achieved perfection. It reads, “Biography: Chuck Norris is the story of a kid from Oklahoma who grew up with a bad dad and a great mom and became one of the most accomplished martial arts experts on the planet.”
Pick: Tennessee

Miami at Buffalo
Seriously, at which episode of Biography will the suits over at A&E finally figure out they’ve exhausted every possible subject for the show? Do you think we’ll eventually get to Willie Aames or will they call its quits after the airing of Biography: The Black Guy Who Got In The Knife Fight In The “Beat It” Video.
Pick: Buffalo

Indianapolis at San Francisco
I still can’t believe Elton John’s middle name is Hercules.
Pick: Indianapolis

Washington at Denver
Over/under for Sunday’s game: 34.5
Over/under for Clinton Portis’ rushing yardage: 82
Over/under for number of Broncos cheerleaders Jake Plummer’s mustache nails Sunday night: 6.5
Pick: Denver (but ‘Skins +7 is a steal)

Philadelphia at Dallas
Have you noticed there hasn’t been any news about the Donovan/T.O. feud since after week 1? I guess four TD passes and some fake injuries was enough to throw Sal Paolantonio off the scent.
Pick: Philadelphia

Carolina at Arizona
After Denny Green's inevitable firing, Bill Bidwell should hire Lute Olsen to be the new Cards coach. At least with Lute you know you'll get to the postseason before choking.
Pick: Arizona

Cincinnati at Jacksonville
With such soft opponents to start the season, I had to double-check and make sure Jim Boeheim wasn’t making the Bengals schedule.
Pick: Jacksonville

Last week: 10-4
Season: 38-22