NFL Picks: Week 7

Kansas City at Miami
When asked why this game, moved to 7:00 tonight because of Hurricane Wilma, wouldn’t be shown nationally, NFL spokesman Greg Aiello said, “we are not extending the telecast to more markets because we want to adhere as closely as possible to the spirit of our longstanding policy not to conflict with high school and college football during their seasons.”
Translation: “We didn’t want to get killed by The Ghost Whisperer in the ratings.”
Pick: Kansas City

Green Bay at Minnesota
This week, Brett Favre said he was absolutely shocked and dismayed when he heard about the Vikings pleasure cruise on Lake Minnetonka. Said Favre, “that NFL players could revel in such debacherous activity without any reported use of vicodin or other narcotic analgesics is simply despicable.”
Pick: Green Bay

Indianapolis at Houston
With the PC police running wild through our country, I’m sort of amazed nobody has gotten their panties in a bunch over the use of “Hurricanes” as a team nickname. With nearly one million people left homeless in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, the time would seem ripe for some enterprising, press-hungry lawyer to raise a fuss about the offensive and exploitive use of a natural disaster to celebrate a sports team.
Couldn’t you imagine Jesse Jackson standing in front of a Red Cross relief shelter insisting that the Miami and Carolina hurricanes change their names to something which would provoke less trauma in those left in Katrina and Rita’s wake?
And if that does happen (and let’s be honest, it’s really only a matter of time) what’s next to go? Maybe the Texans. After all, you know what they say: Guns don’t kill people, Texans kill people.
Pick: Indianapolis (In a closer game than you think)

Detroit at Cleveland
Well, I just pissed off Jesse Jackson supporters and all of Texas. I suppose I’ll save my joke about the pope and the rabbi for another time.
Pick: Cleveland

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati
Some guy in the comments section keeps ripping me for picking against the Bengals every week, which reminds me of an old Winston Churchill quote: “I may be wrong, sir, but one day I will be right and you will still be a Bengals fan.”
Pick: Pittsburgh

New Orleans at St. Louis
Jamie Martin sounds like the name of a character on Beverly Hills 90210. Of course, Marc Bulger sounds like he should be starring in adult films with Jake Plummer’s mustache, so maybe Martin starting a few games isn’t such a bad thing.
Pick: New Orleans

San Francisco at Washington
Back to the nickname thing for a minute; every few years somebody tries to get the Redskins to change their name and, clearly, it never works. Various groups have tried taking legal action, organizing boycotts and forcing Daniel Snyder to watch Dances With Wolves with his eyes forced open a la Clockwork Orange in order to get the Redskins to change the name they’ve had since 1932. It never works. (And as long as Snyder owns the team, I don’t think it will.)
The main problem with these protests is that there never seems to be too many American Indian people involved with them. It’s either a politician or lawyer heading the effort with a token Indian guy by their side looking uncomfortable in an ill-fitting suit. And it always seems to be more of a publicity stunt rather than an actual effort on behalf of offended American Indians.
These failed attempts have led many to believe that the American Indian population is outraged by sports nicknames ridiculing their population. Not surprisingly, the media is to blame for this.
NFL.com blowhard Gregg Easterbrook refuses to call the Redskins by their name in print, instead referring to them by a name that I’ll similarly, and equally unimportantly, refuse to use. A number of newspapers also boycott the moniker, including The Kansas City Star which hypocritically prints the name of the hometown Chiefs. It all reeks of political correctness run amok.
If there was actual support for such action, then I’d be all for it. But there’s not.
Those opposed to the Redskins nickname claim to do so because American Indians are offended. This is categorically untrue.
A poll released last year by the Annenberg Election Survey found that a whopping 90% of American Indians don’t care about, and aren’t offended by, the Redskins nickname. Only 9% are offended by the name, which is probably the same percentage of people who are offended by anything. Nine percent of people are probably opposed to drug testing for school bus drivers too. I’m sure at least 20% of people are offended by the stupidity of the ridiculously named Toronto Raptors.
People just think the American Indians are offended, so they organize these protests and boycotts just to have a cause. But since the American Indians don’t care, nobody else should either.
Pick: Washington

San Diego at Philadelphia
OK, I like Brian Westbrook. He’s a local product made good and a fine player in the NFL. But if I hear another announcer compare Westbrook to Priest Holmes, I might just have to… Well, I wouldn’t really do anything, but I could make empty threats and act like I would.
Wesbtrook, now in his 4th NFL season, has 1,849 yards rushing and 24 TD in his career; or about the same totals Priest had in 2002 alone (1,615 rush yards, 24 TD). In layman’s terms, Westbrook is House Party I to Priest’s House Party II.
Pick: Philadelphia

Dallas at Seattle
Seahawks safety Ken Hamlin is still in serious condition at a Seattle-area hospital after a bar fight left him with a fractured skull, bruised brain tissue and a small blood clot. Thankfully his injuries didn’t include a sports hernia, or else Hamlin would have been in real trouble.
Pick: Seattle

Baltimore at Chicago
How, in the name of Brian Billick’s receding hairline, was this clunker given a 4:15 start time by CBS? At first I thought it was a typo; sadly, it was not.
There’s only one way this could have happened:

The scene: A TV meeting at NFL headquarters in New York, two days before the league releases the master schedule.
NFL Rep - (Shuffling through papers) OK, moving to week 7... CBS has the national game. (Looks up at CBS execs) You have seven games to choose from, who you want in the national slot?
CBS exec - To us (shoots his giggling partner a stern glance), five words define the essence of NFL football in the autumn (kicks his red-faced, teary-eyed partner the table): Kyle Boller vs. Rex Grossman.
Hearty laughter ensues from everyone at the table. Back-slapping and table-pounding occur. The note-taking secretary begins to talk over the guffaws.
Secretary - (Holding up master schedule) - Alright, that’s Baltimore-Chicago, 4:15 on October 22!
Even more laughter. After about 15 seconds it dies down and the meeting continues. Fast forward to the office of the same CBS exec last week. He places a frantic call to the partner he kicked under the table six months before.
CBS exec - We have a serious problem. We never moved the Baltimore-Chicago game back to 1:00.
Other CBS exec - Dear God, what have we done.
A lone gunshot is heard over the phone.

Pick: Chicago

Tennessee at Arizona
Can a battle between Josh McCown and Kurt Warner really be classified as a “quarterback controversy”? Choosing either of them will be about as controversial as an episode of Full House. (Except for that one where Stephanie has to tell Uncle Jesse she’s addicted to heroin. Wait, I’m thinking of an episode of Oz.)
Pick: Arizona

Buffalo at Oakland
Glitter, glisten, gloss, floss, Norv Turner can’t win without Randy Moss.
Sparkle, shimmer, run, stun, he really can’t win with, like, anyone.
Pick: Oakland

Denver at New York Giants
Jeremy Shockey is envious of Jake Plummer’s mustache because he is unable to grow one quite so magnificent. Eli Manning is jealous of it because he just started using a razor this past February.
Pick: Denver

Last Week: 11-3
Season: 59-29