The Chaz Rankings: Week 8

In addition to being National Adoption Month, National Diabetes Awareness Month, National American Indian and Alaskan Heritage Month, National Peanut Butter Lovers Month, National Family Caregivers Month, National Career Development Month, National Runaway Prevention Month and National Marrow Awareness Month (during which you apparently spend 30 glorious days becoming aware that you, indeed, have marrow), November is also National Novel Writing Month. In honor of the many unread novels whose Cliffs Notes I am very familiar with, as well as the countless other important literary works throughout history, today’s Chaz Rankings will honor National Novel Writing Month (NNWM).

1) Indianapolis Colts (7-0, #1) - Great Expectations (Dickens) - Beat the Pats, Indy becomes the odds-on Super Bowl favorite. Lose to the Pats and Bill Belichick will join Steve Spurrier on the list of coaches that have Peyton Manning’s number.

2) Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2, #2) - You Can’t Go Home Again (Wolfe) - Not that Pittsburgh would want to; Monday night’s last-minute win over the reeling Baltimore Ravens got the Steelers back to .500 at Heinz Field, a place they were 8-0 in last year. Could have used this one for the Giants as well, but would have had to amend the title to You Can’t Go Home Again, Unless Paul Tagliabue Screws The Saints So You Can.

3) Denver Broncos (6-2, #4) - To Kill a Mockingbird (Lee) - Atticus Finch told his daughter it was a sin to kill a mockingbird since all mockingbirds do is make music for us to enjoy. Jake Plummer, next time you pick up your razor, remember this.

4) Carolina Panthers (5-2, #10) - Charlotte’s Web (White) - Each time the Panthers have served bacon at their pre-game breakfast, they’ve lost. I’m just saying.

5) San Diego Chargers (4-4, #9) - Sophie’s Choice (Styron) - Maybe Dean Spanos can put a call into Meryl Streep and get her opinion on the impending Brees/Rivers decision.

6) Dallas Cowboys (5-3, #16) - In Search of Lost Time (Proust) - Dallas lost a 13-point lead to the Redskins in 59 seconds, nearly beat the Raiders as time expired and choked away a huge lead against the Seahawks thanks to Drew Bledsoe’s gift of an interception. They, and not the Giants, are the team to beat in the NFC East.

7) Atlanta Falcons (5-2, #8) - Don Quixote (Cervantes) - Little known fact: Cervantes toyed with the idea of naming his masterpiece Ron Mexico before settling on Don Quixote.

8) Cincinnati Bengals (6-2, #14) - A Clockwork Orange (Burgess) - When Chad Johnson gets a pain in his gulliver he heads down to the old milkbar and gets some milk-plus with vellocet and drencrom while listening to Beethovens’ 9th on his iPod. And then after the first movement he skips over Beethoven’s symphony and calls up his Lil’ Jon playlist.

9) New York Giants (5-2, #13) - The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (Wells) - Eli Manning’s favorite book and movie.

10) Jacksonville Jaguars (4-3, #3) - Absalom, Absalom! (Faulkner) - I have no clue what the book and/or team is about. Sure, it was a road game, but Jacksonville can’t go into St. Louis and allow Steven Jackson to run for 179 yards without Marc Bulger, Torry Holt or Issac Bruce on the field.

11) Kansas City Chiefs (4-3, #5) - The Vicar of Wakefield (Goldsmith) - Once Priest Holmes retires, the vicar is said to be high on the Chiefs wish-list.

12) Washington Redskins (4-3, #6) - The Once and Future King (White) - Sure, I could have gone with Slaughterhouse-Five, but if you can’t have hope after a 36-0 blowout, what else can you hold on to?

13) Philadelphia Eagles (4-3, #7) - One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (Kesey) - The other 11 passes Donovan McNabb threw en route to his 0-12 start on Sunday were at the feet of Greg Lewis.

14) New England Patriots (4-3, #11) - Portnoy’s Complaint (Roth) - Portnoy wants to know what Tedy Bruschi has been up to lately, because the media has done a poor job of informing us about the Pats linebacker’s recovery from his stroke. What’s he doing now? Is he healthy? Can he play? Portnoy need answers, people.

15) Seattle Seahawks (5-2, #12) - 1984 (Orwell) - Ahh, 1984. A totalitarian era in a technologically advanced world, in which intimidation and mind games were used manipulate citizens who refused to conform to the prevailing political ethos. It was also the first, and only, time the Seattle Seahawks advanced to their conference championship game. Those were the days.

16) St. Louis Rams (4-4, #21) - The Idiot (Dostoyevsky) - It’s amazing what can happen when you hand the ball off to a good running back 25 times, isn’t it Mike Martz?

17) Chicago Bears (4-3, #19) - For Whom the Bell Tolls (Hemingway) - If the Bears keep winning, it appears the bell will toll for Rex Grossman. The Wolfman did some research (he was apparently very busy at work) and discovered Kyle Orton’s numbers for his first six games are very similar to those of a whiny, mop-haired daddy’s-boy currently playing in East Rutherford. The similarities end there because Orton actually plays for the team that drafted him instead of crying like a bitch and demanding a trade like a five-year old who got GameCube instead of Xbox for Christmas.

18) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-2, #15) - Things Fall Apart (Achebe) - Online idiots like Don Banks and Dan Shanoff have repeatedly stated the Redskins were the worst 3-0 team in the history of the NFL. If they had any bit of empirical evidence to support their contention, then maybe I’d respect their view. But they, like so many other people of their ilk, have a rear-view mirror that only looks back two or three seasons, which is why every few months we hear about “the best game ever” and nonsense of that sort, and also refuse to give any sort of basis for their flippant statements.
That being said, let me make this statement: There is a distinct possibility that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers were among the worst 5-1 NFL teams in recent memory.

19) Oakland Raiders (3-4, #17) - Sense and Sensibility (Austen) - Norv Turner has neither.

20) Buffalo Bills (3-5, #18) - Doctor Zhivago (Pasternak) - If Kelly Holcomb goes down, the good doctor is next on the Bills QB depth chart which isn’t all that bad since the cold Buffalo weather shouldn’t affect him.

21) Detroit Lions (3-4, #20) - A Farewell to Arms (Hemingway) - And Joe Harrington’s Caseser haircut.

22) Miami Dolphins (3-4, #27) - A High Wind in Jamaica (Hughes) - Ricky Williams favorite novel.

23) Baltimore Ravens (2-5, #28) - I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings (Angelou) - Probably because it was trapped in an elevator for two hours with Brian Billick.

24) Arizona Cardinals (2-5, #23) - Light in August (Faulkner) - Darkness from September through December.

25) New York Jets (2-5, #25) - The Canterbury Tales (Chaucer) - Vinny Testaverde recently recalled running to Barnes and Noble to pick up the first edition of Chaucer’s tales when they were released in 1400.

26) Tennessee Titans (2-6, #24) - Invisible Man (Ellison) - Did you know Steve McNair started this week? (Half the people raise their hands.) Do you know only because he is on your fantasy team, or you played against him in your fantasy league? (Every hand, except for three go down.) Are you Steve McNair’s parents? (A lone hand remains up.) Is your name Ron Jaworski? (Incoherent mumbling as each hand is down.)

27) Minnesota Vikings (2-5, #26) - Catch-22 (Heller) - If preseason fantasy star Nate Burleson is lucky, he just might be able to catch 22 this season.

28) San Francisco 49ers (2-5, #32) - All Quiet on the Western Front (Remarque) - It’s so quiet they can hear Jon Gruden yelling from the Gulf Coast.

29) New Orleans Saints (2-6, #22) - On the Road (Kerouac) - The Saints season is just like Kerouac’s bohemian odyssey, minus the heroin and smelly beatniks.

30) Green Bay Packers (1-6, #27) - The Giver (Lowry) - The Brett Favre watch was suspended for a few weeks, but a true Favrian effort this weekend gets it back on track: Brett Favre 2005: 15 TD, 13 INT.

31) Houston Texans (1-6, #31) - Finnegans Wake (Joyce) - Apparently Finnegan died of boredom during the Texans/Browns barnburner.

32) Cleveland Browns (2-5, #30) - Zuleika Dobson (Beerbohm) - I’m not sure if Zuleika Dobson is a man, woman, boat or any other sort of inanimate object, but I can say with some certainty that he, she or it would be an improvement over Trent Dilfer.