Super Bowl XL "Preview"

I don’t care about the Super Bowl this year. I don’t care about Jerome Bettis playing in his hometown. (I wasn’t even aware Jerome Bettis had a hometown until a few weeks ago.) I don’t care about Joey Porter’s trash-talk. I don’t care about Troy Polamalu’s injury. I don’t care about Shaun Alexander’s record-breaking season. I don’t care about the resurgence of Matt Hasselbeck. (In order to have a resurgence, wouldn’t one theoretically have to have a surgence at some point?) I don’t care about Jerramy Stevens unless he’s describing why the hell his name is spelled J-E-R-R-A-M-Y. I don’t care about how Willie Parker went undrafted and went to UNC because he loved Michael Jordan. (So what, I say. My buddy Jaffe went to Michigan because he idolized Elvis Grbac, what’s the difference?) I don’t care about Mack Strong or Antwan Randel-El or Lofa Tatapu or Alan Faneca. And I certainly don’t care about the mustaches of Bill Cowher and Mike Holmgren. I just don’t care about Super Bowl XL. (OK, I’m lying. I care unequivocally about the two mustachioed coaches. But all the rest is true.)
So instead of talking about the Super Bowl today, I’m going to discuss some things I do care about… And I’ll try to throw some football talk in there too, but I promise nothing.

Thing I Care About: Gillette’s new Fusion Power razor
Saturday, January 28, 2006 is the day my life changed forever. It’s when I walked into CVS to buy a pack of Rainblo and left with the greatest invention in the history of mankind; Gillette’s five-blade Fusion razor.
After many internal discussions, I decided not to use the Fusion immediately, as I still had eight Mach3 Turbo blades to go through. Those suckers are expensive, I reasoned. But temptation, my friends, is a cruel mistress. Like a junkie in need of a fix, I couldn’t get through the day without dreaming of the Fusion. Whenever I saw a deli-slicer I couldn’t help but think of those glowing blades. When I pulled up next to a Lamborghini at a stop light, my mind was fixed on the Donckerwolkian-like curves of the Fusion and I needed a few polite honks from the cars behind me to snap out of my trance and notice the green light. And every time I walked past a hospital sterilization room, all I could see was the clean, sleek look of Gillette’s newest creation.
Never in my life have I wanted my facial hair to grow out to Wolfman-like proportions so quickly. But I needed to experience the high of breaking out my new five-bladed companion and effortlessly restoring my face to its cherubic beauty. Yet still I wait, patiently, much like Shaun Alexander does for a long-term contract from the Seahawks.

Thing I Care About: Jodie Sweetin’s Meth Addiction
I’m very happy Stephanie Tanner kicked her meth habit. (Although I don’t buy the “I got into it because I was bored” excuse. People do crossword puzzles because they’re bored. People watch TV because they’re bored. People drink because they’re bored. Bored people don’t all of a sudden say to themselves, “well, I finished my errands for the day and have nothing to do. Hmmm…. I wonder what smoking crank is like?” And why aren’t we calling meth crank anymore? Isn’t this a much better name? But I digress.)
Anyway, my real question is this: When Danny Tanner, Uncle Jesse and little Michelle staged their intervention with Stephanie, did they have the soft, piano-driven Full House end-of-episode music playing in the background? And if so, will Jerome Bettis play the same music during his pre-game speech to the Steelers about how they should win this one for him?

Thing I Care About: Cam’ron’s “Oh What A Night”
Killa Cam’s new song about the night he was shot in D.C. samples Frankie Valli’s “December 1963 (Oh, What A Night)” and the results are, predictably, fantastic. Look for this one to become huge in a few weeks. I just wonder if Seahawks safety Ken Hamlin will think the song is about him.

Thing I Care About: Chris Paul making the All-Star team
CP’s candidacy seems to be a cause celebre among NBA writers on the various sports Web sites, and I’m quite pleased about that. But I can definitely see the league snubbing Paul in favor of a more established player like Ray Allen. This would be the equivalent of having a Super Bowl with no stars and asking Tom Brady to perform the coin toss as a result. Oh wait, that’s actually happening.
What the hell is that about? When did Tom Brady become NFL royalty? Was it the goat pictures? I wonder if Ben Roethlisberger and Matt Hasselbeck are going to be starstruck by being in the presence of such greatness before the game. I mean, it’s Tom Brady! Maybe the teams will get lucky and he’ll turn water into Gatorade on the sidelines.
Does the NFL expect Brady to get a standing ovation when he is introduced? Frankly, I hope they boo the shit out of him. This is why we need a Super Bowl in Philly. And doesn’t the Golden Boy have a sports hernia? How can he possibly toss a coin? Or is he going to do a high-kick dance before the toss, then throw the coin blindly to Roy Williams who will return it for a touchdown thus ruining his season and then fake a season-ending injury afterwards? Oops, wrong sports hernia victim. Why is Donners ripping T.O. now, by the way? Isn’t it a little late for that? What’s he going to do next week, publicly denounce Bin Laden? And what was with that "black-on-black" crap? It was amusing to hear Wilbon defend McNabb on PTI yesterday after that ludicrous statement. As my buddy Falkow put it, "they could find dead teenage girls in Donovan's basement and Wilbon would still take his side." I hope this shows once and for all that Donovan is a selfish egomaniac without a shred of class. Oh, and he's overrated too. Just like the Seahawks.
Pick: Pittsburgh 34 - Seattle 23