Valentine's Day Wishes

Today, on the most special of all the made-up holidays, Chris's Sports Blog has intercepted some Valentine's Day cards intended for famous sports figures. They are printed in their entirety, unedited, below:

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To: Coach K
From: ACC referees

Just wanted to pass along a quick note to tell you how much we love you, Mike. We were all just reminiscing about the night we met up at Red Lobster and you ordered snow crab because you thought they actually lived in the snow! That was a great night. You are so funny, Mike. That's what we love about you most, your humor. Your humor and the way you manipulate us like we're Kermit to your Jim Henson. Remember, if things should ever go wrong with your wife, we'll be here for you. Waiting. Longing. Hoping. Never forget that. And never forget what we do for you. The Final Four game against Maryland in 2001, the ACC Tournament win against Georgia Tech last year and all those games in between. We do that all for you, Mike, not because we have to, but because we want to. Helping you win completes us.

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To: Bode Miller
From: Karma

I'm a bitch, aren't I?

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To: Adam Morrison
From: Adam Morrison's Mustache

Dude, you know I love you, but I think we should see other people. No, it's not you... It's me. I'm just not where I need to be in order to make this relationship work. No, this doesn't have anything to do with the fact that all the other mustaches make fun of me. This is something I just have to do. For me. Fine, I won't lie to you Adam, it does hurt when Jake Plummer and Tom Selleck's mustache ask if the other half of me is on layaway. Or when Bill Cowher's mustache asks to see my ID whenever I try to get a drink at the bar. But that's not why I'm doing this. Next year you're going to be in the NBA. Where do I fit into your plans? Larry Bird shaved off his wispy 'stache a few years into his career. Is that what you're planning on doing with me? Maybe it is a pre-emptive strike, Adam, but what do you expect? I see the way you look at other mustaches. I know you've been searching the internet for black market Propecia and Rogaine samples. You thought I was sleeping, but I wasn't. Do you know how much that hurts? After all we've been through? I've stuck by you even when Dan Dickau has drunk-dialed me late at night and offered me a first-class plane ticket to meet him out in Boston. Did I go? No, I stayed with you, Adam. But I can't do that any more. It's time. I really wanna work this out, but I don't think you're gonna change. I do, but you don't, think it's best we go our separate ways. And yes, you can have your Usher CD back.

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To: Derek Jeter and Jorge Posada
From: Larry McMurtry

Thanks for inspiring me to write Brokeback Mountain. I hope you seriously consider accepting my invitation to the Oscars. If we win Best Picture I want you to be there because I know it's been so long since you both have won anything of consequence.

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To: Ron Mexico
From: Michael Vick

Thanks for helping me out of that jam, dawg.

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To: Skip Prosser
From: Ron Wellman

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
tuna is canned
and so, Skip, are you.

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