The Madness Of The Hurricanes

Clinton Portis and Santana Moss were just on a local D.C. radio station promoting a charity bowling event which will take place tomorrow night in Northwest. Football was basically ignored during each interview, as the Redskin players instead decided to discuss a wide array of topics including: strip clubs, blackjack, Ken Dorsey’s sexual prowess, dice games, porn, recruiting visits, Portis’ house (nicknamed “The Chocolate Factory”), white girls driving Ferraris, Chris Cooley’s honorary blackness and a stripper named Chocolate Thunder.
I didn’t catch any of CP’s chat, but was told by my buddy Horo that it might have been the greatest interview of all-time. (Update: The Podcast is now available. And "the greatest interview of all-time" doesn't even begin to cover the sheer awesomeness of Clinton's chat.)
That Horo regarded this interview in such high-esteem says a lot considering we once watched an episode of BET’s Madd Sports which featured a south Florida BBQ involving old players from The U. I’d try to describe it, but some things are better left to the imagination. (If you need some help picturing what 30 ghettillionaire football players having a barbeque would be like, just picture a Trick Daddy video but replace Trick, Ludacris, (Oscar winners) Three 6 Mafia and Trina with Warren Sapp, Ed Reed, Edgerrin James and a bevy of strippers.)
The interview also apparently topped last year’s Portis/Moss/Taylor sit-down when CP and Santana discussed how Portis won $3,000 in a dice game during his recruiting visit to The U. (This morning we found out that Portis spent his winnings later that night at a strip club called Rolexxx. Good thing Camelot and Nexus Gold are near the bowling alley.)
Through all the talk about the star-power at The U, I couldn’t get one thing out of my mind: About a year ago, the hatable Dan LeBatard wrote that of all the players who ever went to Miami, Clinton Portis said Sean Taylor was the craziest, which is sort of like saying, "of all the Jacksons, Michael is the weirdest."
As Portis was rattling of the names of fellow U players like Edgerrin James, Phillip Buchanon and Najeh Davenport, I got to thinking: Can Sean Taylor really be the craziest?
To figure this out, I did what I always do in a craziness-evaluation circumstance: I made a list; a list of the craziest players from The U so I could find out, once and for all, if Sean Taylor is indeed the most unhinged.
Only current NFL players were considered (with one special dispensation), which eliminates dozens of crazy U players not good enough to make the jump and also saves me the trouble of including the entire rosters from the Jimmy Johnson/Luther Campbell-era.
In ascending order of whack-jobbiness:

Kenard Lang
- Founder of the popular “taking a dump” celebration after a quarterback sack.

Dan Morgan
- Rumored to have been barred from Miami weight room after Romanowski-esque lifting sessions and techniques.

Jerome McDougle
- Shot in attempted carjacking.

Antrell Rolle
– Arrested on charges of battery after road-rage brawl.

Jeff Feagles
- Killed Sean Landeta with his bare hands during a heated argument about who was the best 40-something punter in NFL history.

Jeremy Shockey
- Called Bill Parcells a "homo."
- Told Maxim he fantastizes about having a "three-some with a mother and her two twins."

Kellen Winslow, Jr.
- After a college game against Tennessee said, "this is war. I don't give a flying you know what about a Vol. They don't give a freaking you know what about you. They will kill you. So I'm going to kill them. All you take this down. We don't care about nobody but this U. We don't. If I didn't hurt him, he'd hurt me. They're gunning for my legs, I'll come right back at them. I'm a f****** soldier."
- After sitting out most of rookie season with a torn ACL, was injured for his entire second season following a motorcycle crash caused by an attempt to perform difficult tricks.

Jamaal Green
- Arrested on felony battery charges after reportedly breaking the jaw and orbital of a student who had dropped a drink on Green’s date.

Edgerrin James
- Told ESPN: The Magazine that he enjoys buying crack for people and watching them get high.
- Willingly signed with the Arizona Cardinals.

Phillip Buchanon
- Calls himself “Showtime”
- Refers to himself in the third person
- Once showed up to Raiders training camp in a fancy pajama suit with a five-inch Playboy medallion around his neck.
- Publicly ripped Raiders franchise moments before final game of 2004 season.

Bryant McKinnie
- Held out for eight months to begin NFL career.
- Charged in Vikings sex boat scandal. According to the official charges “[McKinnie] picked up a naked woman, placed her on the bar in the lounge and commenced to perform oral sex on her. … At a different time during the evening, [witnesses] saw Mr. McKinnie along with three other unidentified males receiving oral sex from four women while the men were seated in deck chairs on the boat.”
- Arrested after fight at Bobby & Steve’s Auto World in September of 2005.

Ray Lewis
- Charged with double-murder following Super Bowl-night shooting in Atlanta. Later pled guilty to obstruction of justice. No persons were ever convicted of the murders, despite belief that both Lewis accomplices were guilty.
- Have you ever seen him "Mic'd Up"?

Michael Irvin
- Is Michael Irvin.

Najeh Davenport
- Arrested for allegedly breaking into a Barry University dorm room, squatting in closet and defecating in a laundry basket.

Sean Taylor (?)
- Left mandatory NFL rookie symposium after four hours.
- Fired his agents one week after signing an $18 million contract.
- Arrested for DWI following Rod Gardner’s birthday party.
- Accused of spitting on Bengals receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh.
- Was only Redskins player to skip mini-camp prior to 2005 season.
- Refused to return Joe Gibbs’ phone calls following rookie season.
- Arrested for assault following an incident in which he allegedly pointed a gun at two men suspected of stealing his ATVs. After leaving the scene, Taylor reportedly returned with a baseball bat and punched one of the men in the face.
- Spit in the face of Bucs RB Michael Pittman during playoff game and was ejected.

At first I was reluctant to believe Portis’ claims about the craziness of Sean Taylor. But after researching the topic I came to one inevitable conclusion: Never doubt the word of a man with a stripper pole in his basement. SeanTay is nuts.