Call Me C-Cha

Good nicknames are sort of like Marshmallow Alpha Bits: Delightful and nearly impossible to find. Ever since some hack dubbed Alex Rodriguez "A. Rod," nicknames have turned into an exercise in syllable-chopping.
A.I. T-Mac. D-Wade. It sounds like the VIP list at a Bell Biv DeVoe concert. These aren't nicknames people! The Iron Horse. The Great One. Those are evocative monikers. ARod sounds like something Derek Jeter and Jorge Posada use when they - well, never mind.
Anyway, ESPN is making a list of the greatest nicknames of all-time, hence me getting all worked up over here. Originally I was just going to cull my selections from ESPN's nominees, but upon seeing the egregious mistake they made by listing Joe DiMaggio as "The Splendid Splinter" I realzied their list, like men in masks, was not to be trusted. (At least they didn't identify "Broadway Joe" as Eli Manning. They also included the token NASCAR entry and forgot two of the names I instantly thought of when I clicked on the link. Frankly, I'm amazed ESPN.com didn't find a way to include Michelle Wie on this list, given their love affair with the no-time champion.)
Actually, the more I look at their list the more I realize it, for lack of a better word, sucks.
So instead of using that, I'm going to try and think of some ones they left off, but I'm sure I'll leave some out so please drop a comment with your suggestions. I'm only going to use nicknames of individuals, which eliminates "Phi Slamma Jamma" from the competition (for my money, the greatest nickname in any realm). Also, while I still pine for the days where it was acceptable to call a dude "Magic", any nickname that is substituted for a real name (eg, Magic, Tiger, Babe, Yogi) doesn't count. This rule eliminates Cool Papa Bell from the proceedings, but it doesn't make the nickname any less awesome. Can you imagine how unbelievably suave you have to be to pull off the nickname Cool Papa? Just see how long George Clooney would last if he tried to get away with that shit.

Honorable Mentions: Dr. J (Julius Erving), The Nigerian Nightmare (Christian Okoye), The Human Highlight Film (Dominique Wilkins), The Pearl (Earl Monroe)

#12) "Crazy Legs" - Elroy Hirsch
It was a tough choice between Crazy Legs Hirsch and Whizzer White, but since Whizzer went on to become a Supreme Court Justice, I figured he'd think this honor was beneath him.

#11) "Night Train" - Dick Lane
I once convinced some drunk dude at a bar that the Gladys Knight song "Midnight Train to Georgia" was really about a threesome Gladys had with Night Train Lane and one of the original Pips.

#10) "Charlie Hustle" - Pete Rose
The story is that Whitey Ford gave a young Rose this derisive nickname after watching him sprint to first base in an exhibition game. It's a good one, so I'm going to believe it. I'm also going to take Ford's method and apply it to random people throughout my day. Hence, the guy going 29 in a 35 zone becomes "Frank Get The Hell Out Of My Way."

#9) "Crime Dog" - Fred McGriff
One of Chris Berman's only actual nicknames, but it's a damn good one. I mean, it's no Albert "Winnie The" Pujols, but, really, what is?

#8) "The Galloping Ghost" - Red Grange
The legendary Grantland Rice came up with this one after watching Grange rush for 262 yards and four touchdowns in the first 12 minutes against a Michigan team on a 20-game winning streak. Much like the #2 entry on this list, the simple alliteration and evocative adjective make this nickname a true delight.

#7) "The Refrigerator" - William Perry
He may be large, but he's no dumb cookie.

#6) "The Count of Monte Fisto" - Apollo Creed
My favorite part of Rocky IV is when LeRoy Nieman is announcing all of Apollo's nicknames before the Drago fight and slips in this gem. It just dawned on me that Sly Stallone wrote Rocky IV so he might have actually come up with this. Or maybe he just heard it from Mr. T and Hulk Hogan during shooting breaks on Rocky III.
But since this one isn't really real...

#6) "White Shoes" - Billy Johnson
They say the shoes make the man... But Billy Johnson was black, so I don't think this cliche applies here.

#5) "Shoeless Joe" - Joe Jackson
If Joe Jackson were alive today, Nike CEO Phil Knight probably would have put a hit out on him by now.

#4) "Mr. October" - Reggie Jackson
The most copied nickname of all-time, lazy sportswriters are always coining the new "Mr. (fill in Gregorian month here)" instead of coming up with something new. Although, this isn't always bad, as it led to the inevitable "Mr. March" knocks on the non-nicknamed A. Rod during the World Baseball Classic.

#3) "The Hitman" - Thomas Hearns
Boxers have some of the best nicknames. Sugar Ray Robinson and Leonard. The Raging Bull, Jake LaMotta. Muhammad Ali had a bunch, the best of which was the alliterative Louisville Lip. But the best boxing nickname of all belongs to a brawler from Detroit. If I were a rapper, I'd drop a Hitman Hearns line on every album. And I'd also have a battle rap aimed at Kirk Cameron, but that's a topic for another day.

#2) "The Splendid Splinter" - Ted Williams
It was Williams, of course, who was known as The Splendid Splinter. (DiMaggio had a few good nicknames of his own; Joltin' Joe and The Yankee Clipper, but his wood was not nearly as splendiferous. How ESPN could make such a bold error is beyond me.) I love the unbridled whimsy of this nickname. Nobody uses the word 'splendid' outside a traveling production of My Fair Lady and 'splinter' is a word with a negative connotation, yet they work so well together.

#1) "Sweetness" - Walter Payton
It takes a great man to carry a great nickname. It takes a tremendous man to carry what sounds like a pimp's name and transform it into a one-word summation of his entire athletic being. Walter Payton's running style was sweetness, personified.