The Day The Pimping Died

Ladies and gentlemen, our long national nightmare is over; for today we can collectively stop acting like we care about soccer.
It was a trying 12 days, to be sure. From the opening game rout at the hands of a country that didn’t exist when Vanilla Ice was popular to yesterday’s disappointment against a team that featured a player named “Pimpong”. (His name sounds like the title of a Snoop album. “Fo’ shizzle my nizzles, this my new record which we callin’ “Pimp On, G”. It’s crack-a-lackin, nieces and nephews. Chuuch.”)
But now, after all the hype and the subsequent letdown, soccer can go back to being a sport we all openly mock, even as we let our kids learn it’s commie-leaning ways.
Me? I’m going to crack open a beer, go watch some baseball and, if I see him, heckle Landon Donovan, because that guy makes Eli Manning look like Eli Manning if Eli Manning was actually any good.