The Chaz Rankings: Week 12
Hip-Hop Heads Edition

In a one month span that began last week, new releases from Jay-Z, Snoop, The Game, Nas, Cam'ron, Trick Daddy and Fabolous will be available for illegal downloads worldwide. Christmas-time always brings a spate of new music because, let's be honest, what would Christmas be without some tight rhymes about gin, juice and hos. In honor of this musical bonanza, today's Chaz Rankings will pair each NFL team with a similar rapper.

1) San Diego Chargers
The Game
The Game's new CD should be a masterpiece; but a falling out with Dr. Dre and redundant rhymes (seriously, how often can one rap about a '64 Impala?) make it a clunker. San Diego's season should be a masterpiece, but a lack of falling out with Marty Schottenheimer and past playoff woes are sure to make them a clunker.

2) Indianapolis Colts
Jay-Z
Both Jigga and the Colts have become too big for their own good. Kingdom Come is a bloated mess filled with overproduced beats and lazy rhymes, sort of a rap equivalent of Indy in the playoffs.
They're both at their best when there's no pressure (rumor has it Hov only returned from retirement to boost the fortunes of his struggling Def Jam company). For Indy, that's when they're rolling though the the regular season and for Jay-Z it's his guest appearances and mixtape releases (see: "Black Republicans" and "Brooklyn High", his Jim Jones diss).

3) Baltimore Ravens
Clipse
I hate to compare the Ravens to my favorite hip-hop group, but the similarities are too striking to ignore. Both were big in the early-aughts, then ran into contractual problems that sidelined them for a while. Still, they churned on the underground, eventually made some wise choices (Ravens drafting Ed Reed, Bart Scott and Terrell Suggs and sigining Steve McNair, The Clipse releasing two underground mixtapes) and are seeking a return to the top in 2006. Clipse's new album, Hell Hath No Fury, drops today and it makes Kingdom Come sound like a Raffi record.
And as an added bonus, Malice and Pusha T can borrow Jamal Lewis' celly if they need to get in contact with someone who'll be able to traffic those precious rocks to the community.

4) Chicago Bears
The Chicago Bears Shufflin' Crew
Maybe Rex Grossman should try on Jim McMahon's headband whilst mooning a helicopter because, at this point, anything would be an improvement.

5) New England Patriots
Eminem
They used to be on top. Now they're just boring, predictable and dependent on their good name for fawning reviews.

6) Dallas Cowboys
Lil' Wayne
Everyone has annoited Lil' Wayne as the new greatest rapper alive (particularly after his remix of Jay-Z's "Show Me What You Got" proved vastly superior to the original). But, just like with Tony Romo, I'm not fully sold yet. Remember, last year everyone thought Ben Roethlisberger was the second-coming of Terry Bradshaw.
(Don't get me wrong, I'm very impressed with Romo. It's just that his resume isn't exactly as gaudy as it might seem. Wins over Tampa Bay and Arizona are mandatory, the victories over the Giants and Panthers are a lot less impressive now in light of those team's recent performances and the win against Indy was thanks to the Cowboys defense. I mean, Jeff Garcia put up 21 against the Colts too, you know? Romo's poise is something that can't be taught. And he's probably going to be a very good QB. But let's wait until the calendar turns to December before we start forgetting about Troy Aikman.)

7) New Orleans Saints
Master P
Two of the top 71, or so, things to come out of New Orleans.

8) Kansas City Chiefs
Baby
Larry Johnson can probably give him tips on diaper disposal.

9) Cincinnati Bengals
DMX
DMX makes Chris Henry look like an Eagle Scout.

10) Denver Broncos
11) Carolina Panthers
12) Jacksonville Jaguars
Memphis Bleek
Proof that there is no correlation between expectations and results.

13) Miami Dolphins
GZA
One of Wu-Tang's founders, GZA, calls himself "The Genius". Just like Nick Saban.

14) New York Giants
Puffy
All hype, no substance.

15) New York Jets
16) Seattle Seahawks
17) San Francisco 49ers
18) St. Louis Rams
19) Tennessee Titans
20) Minnesota Vikings
Lloyd Banks
Complete non-factors.

21) Washington Redskins
Fabolous
Both have fallen upon tough times of late, but each has my unconditional support.

22) Philadelphia Eagles
Proof
D.O.A. (Gotta give my buddy Ank credit for that one.)

23) Atlanta Falcons
Baby Bash
Mexico's finest.

24) Buffalo Bills
Vanilla Ice
If only to get people Googling "Vanilla Ice + Eli Manning + suck" to come to this site.

25) Pittsburgh Steelers
50 Cent
The sophomore slump claimed them both.

26) Green Bay Packers
27) Tampa Bay Buccaneers
28) Houston Texans
29) Oakland Raiders
30) Cleveland Browns
31) Detroit Lions
32) Arizona Cardinals
Ja Rule
If James Taylor were a rapper, he'd be Ja Rule. And if Ja Rule were a football team, he'd have his choice of any of these seven sorry squads. (I only mention James Taylor because at the Wake Forest Alumni tailgate on Saturday night, some Terp-alum moron drinking nearby was blasting crappy music out of his Dodge Dakota. The tunes suddenly took a turn for the better when the intro to 50's Get Rich or Die Tryin came on. But our joy was short-lived, because the guy took off the 50 and put on, yes, James Taylor. I've never wanted to punch anybody so badly in my life. Except maybe for J.J. Redick.