Speechless

It's not often I can make that claim, but after hearing about the Texans passing up Reggie Bush to sign Mario Williams, I can honestly say that I am. Except that I'm totally not. (Deep breath...)
Say the following out loud: "The #1 pick of the 2006 NFL Draft is Mario Williams." Let that marinate for a second. A guy you had never heard of eight weeks ago will be taken ahead of a player who has been called the greatest back in college history, a QB who would have been the #1 pick in last year's draft, the man who single-handedly led his team to the National Championship and a dude named D'Brickashaw. Ladies and gentleman, Mario Williams - a player who didn't even win the ACC Defensive Player of the Year - is your #1 draft pick.
Forgetting about the fact that you have to take Reggie Bush if you are Houston, this move makes still makes no sense. (I can't forget about it though. They just gave $26.5 million to a guy who nobody has ever heard of because Reggie Bush might have held out. Unreal.)
In six months when Bush is scampering for 65-yard TDs in New Orleans and Mario Williams' picture is being shown alongside Sam Bowie's, the Texans are going to realize they let the most electrifying player to come out of college since Barry Sanders go over a matter of a few million dollars. Way to go, Charlie Casserly. Maybe you can sign Heath Shuler to back-up David Carr.
And about Carr... If you're not going to take Bush (which, again, is batshit insane) why do you take a defensive end when your team's obvious need is on the other line. Houston, if they were hellbent on passing up Bush, should have dangled the top-pick to the entire league and then traded down to, say, #4 and taken D'Brickashaw Ferguson. Because what the hell good is Mario Williams going to do when David Carr is getting hit 80 times per game? It just doesn't make any sense.
Can you imagine how devastated Texans' fans must be right now? Since November, when it was clear the season was going in the pooper, they've had visions of #5 dancing through their dreams. It's probably all any Houston fan has talked about in the past four months. And now, instead of getting Reggie, they're getting some defensive lineman they've never seen play and, on top of it all, are paying $26.5 million for the privilege. It's absolutely ridiculous.
I was out to dinner with my family tonight and didn't hear about the Williams deal until The Wolfman called me a few minutes ago. Our conversation started with Chris Paul and his appearance on PTI and People's 100 Most Beautiful People list. (When did that change to 100, by the way?) About two minutes into the discussion The Wolfman asked if I had heard about Mario Williams. Thinking we were still talking about the Most Beautiful list, I said, "A.C. Slater made it? Hold on, that's Mario Lopez. Wait... Who?" And I was serious. That's how bad this pick is. I confused the #1 selection in the NFL Draft with A.C. Freakin' Slater.
I think we got a problem, Houston.

Drapathy

There was no post yesterday because happy hour started earlier, and went longer, than anticipated. Today's post won't be as comprehensive as I planned because happy hour started earlier and went longer than anticipated.
Some draft thoughts:
1) There will be no NFL Draft preview because I'm sick of the NFL Draft. I know hating on the draft has become the chic thing to do this year, what with all the ESPN over-exposure, and I'm pretty sure most of my Drapathy comes from the Redskins not picking until late in the second round, but I can honestly say that I'm not not looking forward to Draft day for the first time since 1992 (when Joe Gibbs traded-up to take Desmond Howard).
All the haters have their reasons for their respective Drapathy: Too much time between picks, not enough familiarity with the players, the uncertainty of the whole process, Mel Kiper... Take your pick.
For me, though, it's something different. The reason I'm aboard the draft hatewagon has nothing to do with the draft itself and all to do with the sobering reality of the NFL: That 99% of players are only as good as the system they're in.
Plug a good player into a great system and they'll be an All-Pro (see: Terrell Davis). Plug a good player into a phenomenal system and they'll be a Hall of Famer (see: Tom Brady). Put a great player on the 1994 Bengals and see what happens.
Did the scouts really miss the boat on Brady that much when he slipped to the 6th round of the 2000 Draft? Oh, they clearly messed up on him, but don't kid yourself into thinking Brady would be a three-time Super Bowl winner if he had been drafted by, say, the Cardinals. This might provoke some debate, but I'd go as far to say that nobody would have ever heard of Tom Brady if that had been the case.
And that's why the NFL is so different. A great basketball player will be great on the worst team in the league. (More importantly, he'll make the worst team in the league better.) A great baseball player could be a Hall of Famer with the Royals. But a great football player on the wrong team could easily slip through the cracks and nobody will be the wiser. (There are exceptions, of course. The greatest of the greats - Barry Sanders, O.J. Simpson, Gale Sayers - had Hall of Fame careers with mediocre teams, but, then again, running backs are always the exception. So are quarterbacks, because they lead the team. But you can count the number of difference makers currently in the NFL on one hand: Peyton Manning and LaDainian Tomlinson. That's it. That's the list. Who knows what David Carr would have been had he gone to a team with a good offensive line and coaching staff?)
I'm exhausted, kind of hungry and my niece is crying (which means she's probably hungry too), and I don't think I'm getting my point across like I had hoped. One day soon, I'll revisit this topic.
Let me leave you with this: In no other sport do guys so lightly regarded on Draft day turn into superstars. In the NFL, it happens all the time. Is this because scouting is so bad? No. It's because, in the NFL, the system is king. There are no former grocery store stock boys winning NBA MVP awards because greatness if the only way to succeed in the NBA. In football, greatness starts on the chalkboard.
2) She's really crying now, so I gotta run. My rapid-fire Vince Young thought: I don't know how he's going to be in the pros, but I do know this: All these people throwing out Ken Dorsey and Jason White's names when referring to Young (as in: Dorsey and White won National Titles and look how they did in the pros), you all need to shut-up. Dorsey and White were entrusted with the task of not losing the game for their respective teams. Vince Young carried Texas on his back and beat one of the best teams in recent college football history all by himself. Frankly, I think Young is going to be a good to quite good pro quarterback. As long as he gets in the right system, that is.

The LeBron Rules

Columns like this are the reason Michael Wilbon is the best game-columnist in America.

It's Lerner!

WUSA-TV in Washington is reporting Major League Baseball will name The Lerner Family as the new owners of the Washington Nationals. After all the waiting and delaying and waiting and more delaying and hedging and lying and more delaying, it seems Bud Selig actually made the correct choice by appointing a team with local ties to head the Nats.
I hadn't mentioned the Nats owner search in weeks because it was just too damn frustrating. Hopefully this will end all the television difficulties and D.C council complaining, but I'm much too cynical to think that's true.
For today though, I'm happy.

The Hillbilly Cometh

Welcome back Brett Favre, it's almost as if you never left us. Oh, right... You didn't. I suppose your return makes the following people quite happy:
John Madden - Instead of gazing upon 8x10's of his muse during Packers' games, Madden can stare at the real thing while waxing philosophical about just how much damn fun that stubbled redneck is having out there.
George Blanda - Favre is just 23 interceptions away from breaking Blanda's NFL record for most INTs thrown in a career. If he gets close in 2006 (and he will - remember, Brett threw 29 last season), can some enterprising soul at ESPN.com start the "Favre Watch" with side-by-side comparisons of Blanda and Favre's erraticism? OK, fine, I'll handle it myself.
Green Bay-area pharmacists - The loudest shouts of joy heard in Green Bay tonight came from the four Aurora Pharmacy locations in the city. Pharmacists, tell your kids Christmas is back on!
Mike McCarthy - At this point, it's all falling into place for McCarthy. If he was part of the regime that ousted Favre, he'd be an instant outcast in Green Bay. But now that Favre is returning in his dilapitated state, McCarthy can simply blame his hanging-on-far-too-long quarterback (provided he's willing to take a mulligan on the season and doesn't try to get all cute by pulling Favre for Rodgers. Because that would just be stupid. Know your role, call the plays, wear the Reebok hat and let Brett Favre work his interception-heaving magic).
The Wolfman - Face it: You love hating Favre. You're going to miss him when he's gone. If Favre was sitting on his lawnmower drinking Beast Ice and chewing on sunflower seeds, you wouldn't be able to call him a past-his-prime pill-popper whose selfishness has ruined a once-proud franchise. You wouldn't be able to see the Bears sack him umpteen times or watch him throw balls into quintuple-coverage with the game on the line. Those plays when he confuses his offense by calling for a fake snap, then actually gets it snapped and then, in the chaos, runs five-yards past the line of scrimmage and underhand tosses the ball to an ineligible lineman? All things of the past if he leaves, my friend. You want Brett Favre on that field. You need Brett Favre on that field.
In reality, we all need Brett Favre out there. Because you can't spell "F-U-N" without "Favre..." and a "u" and an "n".

The Tuesday Ten: Names In The News

1) LaVar Arrington
As a Redskins fan, it’s easy to be glib about LaVar Arrington signing with the New York Giants.
“He’s one the most overpaid and overrated players in football.”
“Not once did it ever feel like he lived up to his full potential.”
“$9 million guaranteed, nine games played per year… It works out perfectly.”
“Gregg Williams probably can’t wait to tell Joe Gibbs how to exploit him.”
All of these statements have some truth to them (I’ve said variations of the first three over the past few days – the last one was texted to me by my buddy Jaffe), but I, like all Redskins fans, am merely glossing over my disappointment with a helping of scorn.
Nobody is happy LaVar signed with the Giants. The thought of him hurtling himself through the air and Aikman’ing Mark Brunell is a scary one, indeed. The idea of the most beloved Redskin since Darrell Green wearing blue & white and calling Eli Manning a teammate is sickening.
But that’s sports. While I’ll always have love in my heart for LaVar (just like he’ll always have love in his heart for Redskins fans), he is now the enemy and must be treated as such. It won’t be easy, but dammit, I’m gonna try. Here goes:
How dumb must LaVar be to still employ the Poston brothers? Those idiots cost him $6.5 million in his last contract and are being censured by the NFL. This time around, they priced LaVar out of the market and were unable to get even an offer from a Green Bay team desperate to sign him. The reported $49 million deal they got looks nice in headlines, but under the surface it’s a brutal deal for LaVar: He only got $5.25 million to sign and the bulk of contract’s money sits behind incentives, which, given LaVar’s injury history, is a risky proposition.
And even though it’s a decent deal for the Giants, what do they need an undisciplined, blitzing linebacker for? New York’s pass rush is just fine; it’s their run defense that needs shoring up. Michael Strahan and Osi Umenyora get to the quarterback with ease, but they can’t defend against the run very well. Once running backs get past the Giants front four, it’s clear sailing.
Sure, LaVar will have some highlight-reel “tackles for loss,” but he’ll have thrice as many plays where he blows his assignment by over-pursuing, thus leading to a big gain. The Giants attempted to plug the hole in their defense, but they put the caulk in the wrong place. That’s OK, I guess. If it should flood on the road, Paul Tagliabue can always move the game back to New York.
I can already picture how LaVar’s first game against the Redskins is going to turn out: He’s going to have one huge hit on either Mark Brunell or Clinton Portis and it will be replayed on NBC’s bastardized version of NFL Primetime over and over again (by the way, I still haven’t gotten used to the fact that Primetime is no longer). What they won’t show, however, are the four plays where LaVar missed a tackle, overran his man or blitzed on a running down and allowed a run. Peter King will lead his Monday Morning Quarterback with LaVar’s inspired play, but Dr. Z will bring him to task on Thursday and mention all the plays he blew.
Oh yeah… Have fun in Jersey, bitch. Enjoy all the trashy girls and meatheads in warmup suits.
Update: Klinny reports that LaVar was just on the John Thompson radio show in D.C. and, in addition to ripping Joe Gibbs, announced his new nickname is "Mr. Nickles" because he plans on wearing #55. And that's what the value of his next contract will be.

2) Keith Hernandez
In public everybody has to condemn the remarks Keith Hernandez made about women in the dugout. In private everybody is cracking up about the whole situation.
Not only did Hernandez get all defiant when he saw a woman in the dugout… Not only did Hernandez then call out said woman and try to get out of it by remarking, “now I’m not saying all women should be in the kitchen”… Not only did Hernandez then issue a faux-apology that included the phrase, “I love you gals out there… Always have”… But he’s also Keith Hernandez: The man who once asked Jerry to help him move… The man who didn’t ask Elaine out because he felt inadequate, before remembering that “I’m Keith Hernandez!” If this whole thing weren’t so overtly sexist, it’d be the greatest thing since Joe Namath kissed Suzy Kolber!
Rapid-fire Hernandez thoughts: How often do you think Keith Hernandez responds to criticism with, “I’m Keith Hernandez,” followed by a steely gaze? What’s with the Padres camouflage uniforms? How, exactly, did the Mets TV network "reprimand" Hernandez? Did they just give him a stern talking to? Cause that'll show him. And was anybody else disappointed when they heard “San Diego masseuse” and saw the end result? Ms. Calabrese is a decent-looking woman, but couldn’t they have found a really, really hot masseuse among all the young, nubile, blonde… San Diegoans…? San Diegoites…? San Diegans? San Diegans.

3) J.J. Redick
I didn’t mention this two weeks ago, but Redick won the Sullivan Award, which used to be annually presented to the nation’s top amateur athlete. The criteria changed this year, however, when the Sullivan committee decided to instead reward the nation’s top amateur athlete who chokes in big games, writes terrible poetry, has backne, carries on an indecent love-affair with Chris Collins and never won anything of consequence in his or her career.
In other news, the 2004 Sullivan Award was retroactively presented to Eli Manning.

4) LeBron James
Even LeBron dropping a triple-double on the Bullets Saturday afternoon wasn’t enough to keep me awake during that dreadful game. Watching the NBA Playoffs is an exhausting effort and, at this point in the 29-week odyssey, I just can’t do it. It’s so damn boring. Yes, the end of the games are fun but the first 40 minutes are just brutal. Eventually, I’ll watch, but first-round games between teams that have no shot of winning it all? It’s just not gonna happen for me. I’m getting sleepy simply writing about it, so I’m going to move on.

5) Barry Bonds
ESPN led Sportscenter with Bonds’ first homerun of the season on Saturday. This was the same day LeBron had, again, a triple-double in his first playoff game. (Yes, I realize I just trashed the NBA Playoffs, but I’m not downplaying their sports significance, I’m just saying I won’t care until the conference finals.) It’s almost as if ESPN has an interest in Bonds making news because they have programming featuring him. Nah… That’d be way too unethical.

6) A.J. Burnett
Damn! I had May 18th in the “when will A.J. Burnett visit the D.L. for the second time” pool. At least I collected in the “when will Junior Griffey feel his first hamstring twinge” and “when will the Cubs dreams’ come skidding to a crashing halt” pools.

7) Ricky Manning Jr.
I understand that athletes get in fights. Their livelihood depends on winning, toughness and strength, so it’s only natural that after years in a consequence-free testosterone-rich environment, they aren’t as socially adjusted as the rest of society. I also appreciate that many athletes are just plain ol’ idiots who happen to be really good at sports.
When I normally read athlete police blotter, I tend to dismiss it as a corollary of too much coddling and too much money.
This Ricky Manning Jr. story is different though. He didn’t assault a guy in a bar. He didn’t shoot at a guy who stole his ATVs. He didn’t stab somebody at a crowded party. No. Ricky Manning Jr. allegedly beat up a guy because he had the gall to bring his laptop to Denny’s. (For the moment I’m going to ignore the fact that somebody went to Denny’s with a laptop. And that somebody actually went to Denny’s while sober. And that this guy who went to Denny’s sober didn’t have the sense to leave the restaurant after he started getting picked on, when any normal person would have got the hell out of there.) But back to Manning Jr., the Nerdinator. What adult beats up a guy simply because he’s a dork? Who does that? What is this, middle school? That’s about as mean-spirited and nasty as it gets. But I guess if he can cover Steve Smith, it doesn’t much matter to Chicagoans.

8) Collin Finnerty
The Newsweek cover boy will stand trial in D.C. for allegedly assaulting a guy in Georgetown after the man repeatedly asked Finnerty to stop calling him “gay”. The defense plans to call Ricky Manning Jr. as a character witness. (And way to be two weeks behind the scoop, Newsweek. Who’s going to be on the cover next week, the runaway bride? Also, can you imagine being Collin Finnerty? Six weeks ago you were an anonymous (asshole) college freshman. Now you're an (asshole) college freshman who is one of the least popular people in America. That's a tough stretch.)

9) Bob Dylan
Unconfirmed reports indicate the fabled songwriter is set to release his 32nd studio album on August 28. Let’s hope it’s half as good as Love & Theft and that the release date passes without incident. (The aforementioned Love & Theft, Dylan's last effort, was released on September 11, 2001.)

10) The Wolfman
He hit the quarter-century mark yesterday and celebrated by getting drunk at a San Diego-area bar and announcing that, if he had wanted, he could have gone D-III.

It's A Conspiracy! C-O-N... spiracy!

I'm no conspiracy theorist. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone in killing John F. Kennedy. I'm nearly certain the New York Knicks won the 1985 draft lottery through sheer luck. I think 9/11 was actually committed by 19 terrorists and that the World Trade Center collapsed on its own. (Let me digress from my point for a moment, if I may. Here are a few thoughts about Charlie Sheen's 9/11 theory:
1) This is the same Charlie Sheen who once paid Heidi Fleiss $50,000 for whores? And is, allegedly, into kiddie porn and beating up his pregnant wife? And now he's supposed to be some sort of authority on terrorism and the structural integrity of steel?
2) At one point in his ramblings Sheen mentions that he was on the phone with his brother when the second tower collapsed and how, at that moment, he wondered aloud if the building looked like it came down in a controlled demolition. Inferring that "my brother" refers to Emilio Estevez, I can only wonder how awesome that conversation was:

The second tower collapses
Charlie Sheen - Emilio, is it just me, or did that look like a controlled demolition?
Emilio Estevez - Irradiant point, Chas! For you see, back yonder when Emilio Estevez was on the set of D3: The Mighty Ducks, a slovenly, yet benevolent elderly gaffer had Emilio Estevez enraptured for hours as he gave a lengthy oratory on the similarities betweenst constrained demolition and that which hath come from thy flying of winged vessels into thoust bowels of a massive skyscraper. And, if I, Emilio Estevez, remember correctly, which Emilio Estevez always does - Charlie Sheen interrupts with a "hear, hear!" - Emilio Estevez believes that the demolition which we have just witnessed was indeed controlled!
Charlie Sheen - To the Sheen cave!
Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen both run into their respective solariums and pull out a copy of Gabriel Garcia Marquez's Love in the Time of Cholera. The removed book cause the bookcases to swing around, revealing a rudimentary escape pod. At their separate residences, the brothers get in the pod and are whisked to a far-away underground lair that consists of little more than some back-issues of Swank, a soiled mattress and a Men at Work poster hanging limply on the wall.
Charlie Sheen - Shall we research?
Emilio Estevez - Already ahead of you, chum! Estevez whips out a tattered notebook filled with multiple essays about the Sino-Japanese wars, notes on the works of Virgil and various sketches of Lou Diamond Phillips. Hours pass before Sheen, exhausted, speaks again.
Charlie Sheen - Wow, this has sort of gone off on its own tangent, hasn't it Emilio.
Emilio Estevez - I thought this was a sports blog.

3) This one seems so obvious, yet in the fawning coverage over Sheen's "bravery" I didn't see my next thought mentioned once. (Before I begin, let me give a usual disclaimer: Other than saying Charlie Sheen's an idiot, I'm not taking a side on any of the following topics. As Emilio said earlier, this is a sports blog. If you want to rip or support the president, go somewhere else. The following is just an observation about... Well, you'll read it.)
For years Charlie Sheen and people who buy into his theory have been trying to convince the world that George W. Bush's administration has been the worst in history. The 2000 election, Iraq, Hurricane Katrina, high gas prices, global warming, CIA leaks, bin Laden, Saddam; Bush has screwed up with every situation that has come up during his time in the White House, they say. So if that's the case, how did this bumbling, ineffective fool then pull off the greatest conspiracy in the history of the known world??!!
In essence, this is Sheen's theory: George Bush is the biggest idiot every to walk the earth... Except when fooling six billion people into believing that terrorists hijacked planes, crashed them into three U.S. landmarks and then covered it up with so effectively that nobody but Charlie Sheen could figure it out.
Doesn't this seem ridiculous to anybody else? On one hand, Sheen believes Bush is a barely functional human being. On the other, he thinks that this same man is capable of duping the entire world into believing that he (and his people) somehow planned, executed and covered-up the worst disaster in our nation's history.
How did any MSM outlet possibly run with this story?
Anyway, you can tell I'm not much of a conspiracy theorist. However, all this talk about the Texans not taking Reggie Bush has been completely manufactured by ESPN in an attempt to boost interest in the 2006 NFL Draft which, gasp, is being televised on the company's flagship network! There couldn't possibly be a conflict of interest there!
Is anybody else getting a little sick of the NFL Draft? I mean, I'm still going to watch on Saturday, but how much can I possibly care about Jay Cutler when I didn't watch him play a single down in his entire college career? Unless you're a Vanderbilt alum, SEC football fan or college football enthusiast, you probably didn't either. Shoot, I watch a fair amount of ACC football and I barely knew Mario Williams existed prior to six weeks ago. (He didn't even win the ACC's Defensive Player of the Year award - Maryland's D'Qwell Jackson did!)
At least I know most of the guys in the NBA Draft (or did before high schoolers and foreign guys started getting selected). I might know a lot about a dozen guys in the entire NFL Draft. It really is remarkable how this has caught on.
That being said, I plan on doing nothing but watching the draft on Saturday.

The World According To Beano

If Beano Cook thought Ron Powlus was good for two Heisman Trophies during his time at Notre Dame, I can only imagine how many he thinks new Irish recruit Jimmy Clausen is going to get. (I'm guessing Beano will predict five Heismans for Clausen, assuming Touchdown Jesus can turn Gatorade into a fifth-year of eligibility.)
Money quote from the wire story about Clausen's committment (remember, Clausen's two older brothers both started at Tennessee):

"He's better than both of us right now," Rick Clausen has said.

Umm, we already kind of assumed that, Rick, considering you and Casey were nothing more than flat-topped failures at Tennessee and are partially responsible for running that once-proud program directly into the cold, cold, blonde ground.
As for the youngest Clausen, he is part of the reason The Wolfman isn't pleased about what Charlie Weis is doing in South Bend. Apparently Weis' 2007 recruiting class is far and away the best in the nation. So, between that and Derrek Lee's injury, I can only hope Brett Favre comes back to play so The Wolfman can have a glimmer of hope in the growing darkness that is his life.

Manny Being Awesome

Manny Ramirez is many things, but a great fielder is not one of them. His misplays of balls off the Green Monster have become legendary in Boston, yet Manny's easy-going, carefree attitude and prolific hitting numbers make people forget about his atrocious play in the field (unlike with, say, Wily Mo Pena).
But back in 2004 Manny made a play so spectacular I had to rub my eyes and make sure Willie Mays hadn't taken his spot in left. After watching the play live, I rewound it about two dozen times, laughing all the while and talking to my buddy Horo about the amazingness of Manny. Yet, somehow, I had forgotten about it... Until yesterday, that is, when Deadspin pointed me towards a YouTube video of said play.
It's fantastic on so many levels. For starters - No... Watch it first, then we'll talk.

The "WTF?!" factor on this one is strong, to quite strong. Did Manny really think Johnny Damon was throwing to him? Did he figure Damon's arm was only good enough to get the ball to the middle of the outfield? Was he trying to get a grass stain on his uniform to look cool?
None of these thoughts went through his head, of course, because that presupposes that Manny actually has thoughts while playing in the field, hitting, crossing the street, filling out a form, or doing any ordinary every-day task. (You know that scene in Half-Baked where The Guy on the Couch asks "is it January?" and Dave Chappelle's character responds, "No man, it's August!"? Well, I'm guessing being around Manny Ramirez leads to many similar queries.)
So the fact that Manny cut off a ball being thrown from 30 feet away and then threw it 30 more feet to the wrong guy isn't what's so fantastic about the whole deal. No, the greatness of the play lies in the fact that Manny's dive to inexplicably cut-off Damon's throw is the greatest play Manny has ever made in the field!
The dive. The reflexes. The glove work. The pop-up throw. It's like Manny had a Will-Ferrell-in-Old-School moment where he just kind of zoned out and made a stellar play in the field. To criticize him for making the wrong play would be like ripping Columbus for hitting America when he was looking for the West Indies; sometimes mistakes can lead to brilliance.
I love you, Manny Ramirez. Deadspin, you're not so bad yourself.

Tuesday Thoughts (On Wednesday!)

Seeing as how yesterday felt like Monday and today feels like Tuesday this makes sense, at least to me. And if you are of the school of thought which claims Tuesday has no feel, I think Gary Sheffield and Derek Jeter beg to differ.

* The only thing that surprised me about seeing the headline “Nationals GM Bowden arrested, charged with DUI” on ESPN.com yesterday was my complete lack of surprise about seeing the headline “Nationals GM Bowden arrested, charged with DUI” on ESPN.com yesterday.
Bowden’s decision-making has never been what any rational-minded person could consider sound, so his decision to drive drunk in South Florida this weekend seems about right. A man who signs Cristian Guzman to a $16 million deal can’t be expected to know that driving while intoxicated is illegal. A general manager who traded for Alfonso Soriano without asking him whether he was willing to play left field surely shouldn’t be held to the same standards as you or I. (Hell, if Junior Soprano can cop an insanity plea, shouldn’t Bowden be able to plead “utter and complete stupidity” to any and all charges?)
I mean, is the following statement really surprising when you consider the man in question once refused to order an MRI on a pitcher before signing him to a free agent contract, only to see that very pitcher get hurt on the first day of spring training with a tear that could have been diagnosed before he he signed? The passage (from the AP story):

A second police report said that about 10 minutes before Bowden was pulled over, two officers saw him and his girlfriend, 36-year-old Joy Browning, arguing along nearby Ocean Drive. After assuring police that everything was fine, they drove off and allegedly ran through the stop sign.

To recap: Bowden managed to dupe the cops into thinking he wasn’t drunk and then, seconds later, ran a stop sign in front of those very same cops! No wonder he made Brandon Watson the team's leadoff hitter this season while sending down Ryan Church, a player who proved himself at the big league level last year. (Church has three homeruns and eight RBI in his first four games back. Watson had a sub-.200 batting average during his stint. But knowing Bowden, not that I do, he probably takes credit for Church’s surge, deluding himself into the belief that sending Church to AAA was just the motivation he needed to find his swing and get back to the majors.)
On the bright side, Bowden’s DUI-timing couldn’t have been better for Washington fans. With MLB set to name an owner for the Nats this week (I’ll believe it when it happens though), it’s difficult to believe Bowden will have a job for too much longer.

* Last night the Clippers and Grizzlies played a game that would ultimately decide which team would finish 5th and which team would finish 6th in the NBA’s Western Conference. Naturally, both teams wanted to lose so they could finish 6th. In the words of Jim J. Bullock, “whhaaaaaaaaaa?”
As mentioned everywhere yesterday, the NBA has a ridiculous rule that forces Dallas, the team with the second-best record in the West, into the 4th seed because they have the gall to be in the same division as the Spurs (the top seed). Never mind that the Mavs have 16 more wins than the team (Denver) that will be seeded directly ahead of them and forget the fact that Denver would currently be tied for the 6th seed with the Lakers if they weren’t fortunate enough to play in the West’s weakest division. It doesn't matter. The Nuggets won their weak-ass division while the Mavs didn't. Surely this means the Mavs should have to play the Spurs in the second round while Denver gets the Clippers and the struggling Suns, if they should advance. And let's not forget the fact that the eventual 6th seed (the Clippers, by virtue of last night’s loss) will actually have home-court advantage over the 3rd seed. And please don’t mention that this whole scenario could have been predicted by a drunk Jim Bowden when it was first unveiled years ago.
The NBA will no doubt change this ridiculous rule next year, when it will already be too late. To those who say David Stern is the best commissioner in sports, remember: This sort of crap would never happen in the NFL. (Arbitrarily designating a team’s “home” game to be played in New York, however, is a different matter. And no, I’m never going to stop complaining about that.)

* At least Sports Illustrated is attempting to curb their streak of ridiculously boring covers with this week’s action shot of LeBron, but I think they missed the boat with their wanna-be-majestic shot of King James. The pic on the cover makes it seem like LeBron is 11-feet tall and is about to slam the ball in Gary Payton’s face. That he’s also looking longingly into Payton’s eyes only furthers my point. (Seriously, what’s going on in that picture. Is LeBron jumping? Is The Glove crouching. Did the refs call a carry? Is GP sliding a dollar bill in LeBron’s g-string? Will LeBron look back on this cover and wonder why the hell he ever thought wearing tights was cool?)
And, I also get where SI was trying to go with the headline “LeBron In Full,” but it really didn’t work. And why do I care that Chris Ballard wrote the story? Is that information really necessary? My buddy Jaf says that an SI editor who spoke to his class once said the magazine has started putting writers name’s on the cover in order to give them more exposure. But who gives a flying-flip if Chris Ballard wrote the story. Unless it’s a guy like Frank Deford or William Nack or Gary Murphy writing the cover story, nobody is going to care. A guy walking past a newsstand isn’t going to plunk down four bucks for SI because Chris ‘Freakin Ballard wrote the cover story.
All that really does is take away from the effect a cover is supposed to have.
I have a few old magazines that I plan on getting framed and putting up in my place (this has been the plan for 16 months and it has yet to happen, so I won't hold my breath) and they’re all so much better than the current covers that have insets, way too much text and include a pimping of seemingly every story in the mag.
I bought this Esquire from April of 1968 (left) last year. It features Muhammad Ali, as the martyr St. Sebastian, pierced with four arrows. (Note: The day that magazine arrived at my doorstep, it was ranked the third-best magazine cover of all-time by the American Society of Magazine Editors.) When I look at this magazine my first thought is how it couldn’t possibly be duplicated in today’s market. Now, the white background that almost is swallowing Ali would be filled with teasers like “17 ways to become a better man” or “How to swing a three-some” (answer: ask Clinton Portis). I understand the magazines need to lure all sorts of readers to its pages and including a blurb about every article is a good way to do that because you're more likely to hit upon a topic the consumer wants to read about, but sometimes less is more.
Is anybody really going to tear open this week’s SI because of the “New York’s Happy Ranger” tease?

* Three thoughts on the Duke indictments (once again, the usual disclaimer: I wasn’t at the house that night, so I don’t know anything that happened. These comments are related to the handling of the case, not the particulars of the incident):
1) On the original affidavit the alleged victim identified “Adam, Bret and Matt” as her accusers. How did it go from Adam, Bret and Matt to Collin (Finnerty), Reade (Seligmann) and another dude. (Collin and Reade? Oh man, now that I know their names I hate them so much more.) This needs to be explained.
2) Much has been made of Finnerty’s arrest after a streetfight in Georgetown. As I said a few weeks back, I’m sure both Collin and Reade are complete douchebags. But that fact and getting in a fight in Georgetown make not a rapist kidnapper. Plenty of meatheads get in fights in Georgetown; I’ve had the pleasure of seeing a few myself. That still doesn’t make them a rapist. Just a huge tool with anger-management problems. (It also doesn’t not make him a rapist, of course. My statement is more a criticism of everybody’s rush to judgment on Finnerty’s guilt because he beat up a guy last year.)
3) Why does it matter that both Finnerty and Seligmann came from “a world of golf courses and multimillion-dollar homes and were educated at exclusive all-boys Catholic prep schools,” as the AP reported today?
The answer: It doesn’t. The media has created the class-conflict that is now the real heart of this case. Face it, nobody outside the alleged victim’s circle of family and friends really cares if this woman was raped or not. This has become a battle of rich vs. poor and the press is leading the charge.

Chris Answers PTI's Questions

Bill over at Eagle in Atlanta enjoys when I answer PTI's questions. Since I've given his Boston College teams so much crap over the past few months, I thought I'd wave the white flag and answer those questions today. But just so we're clear, this doesn't mean I'll admit BC is actually part of the ACC.

Is age catching up to Barry Bonds?
If by “age” you mean “lack of steroids” then yes, “age” has caught up to Barry Bonds.
Observing the media’s reaction to Bonds’ anemic start has kept me amused through the baseball season’s first two weeks. Back when the Game of Shadows excerpt appeared in Sports Illustrated everybody in the MSM (mainstream media for those who don’t use unnecessary acronyms) couldn’t stop talking about how Bonds was a cheater and how he disgraced the sport by using steroids. Now that he’s slugging .250 with zero homeruns and one RBI, though, everybody blames it on those 14 bone chips and old age. But, what about the fact that he’s clearly not using steroids anymore!
Obviously that's whats going on here. I'm sure Bonds is injured, but that's because he was able to play through injuries in the past because of the 'roids. Everybody knows this but nobody saying it on television or in the newspapers. Are they afraid of slander and libel laws? Perhaps, but if Bonds didn’t sue the authors of the book that exposed his years of cheating, he clearly has no case.
Maybe some columnist out there has written the “so this is what happens when you stop taking steroids” piece, but I’ve yet to see it.

Is Albert Pujols the best player in baseball?
Two weeks ago when I had my fantasy baseball draft I mentioned to my buddy Horo that I didn’t mind which number pick I had in the first round, as long as it wasn’t #1. If I was given that draft slot, I reasoned, I’d have to take A. Rod.
Since the fates and I have been battling ever since I didn’t call one of the Daughters of Necessity after getting her phone number in a bar, I was of course given the top pick and found out about it 30 minutes before the draft.
For those entire 30 minutes I went to every fantasy baseball web site imaginable looking for a reason not to take A. Rod. At one point I told myself, “if one site has Pujols ranked #1, I’ll take him.” None did. I bandied about trade offers as if they were Free AOL CD-Roms, but nothing caught my eye. I picked A. Rod. And now I’m stuck with that choking, please-everybody pretty boy on my roster instead of the best player in baseball. I suppose this means it’s inevitable Eli Manning will end up on my fantasy football team this fall, because if I get the #1 pick in that, how could I, in good conscience, pass up a guy with a 52.8 completion percentage?

Is Larry Brown done in New York?
I’m not gonna lie, I’ve enjoyed seeing the Knicks choke this season even though they’re the one New York professional sports team I always liked. (It was a Ewing thing.) Larry Brown is such a smug SOB and I root against Isiah Thomas for history’s sake (just like I root for Tiger Woods for the same reason) that it tops any past rooting interest.
That being said, I wish the Knicks had won 32 instead of 22 games this season. Because if they were just pretty bad, then we wouldn’t have to hear about them every day on PTI and Sportscenter. But because the Knickerbockers are so extremely terrible they’ve become the topic of discussion, even though the Blazers are more inept and Atlanta won 25 games after passing on Chris Paul and the team that got him, New Orleans, has 38. (Yes, that was a gratuitous CP name-drop, but Wake Forest barely made the NIT this year… I’m taking advantage of any possible Deac-love at all possible times.)
So is Larry Brown done? Of course he’s not. He’s paving the way for his departure with this acid reflux nonsense (take some Nexium, bro) and will sit out a season before taking over in Toronto in 2007. (How’s that for a prediction. Man, I’m going to be an insufferable clairvoyant if that one comes true.)

How good are Rudy Gay and Tyrus Thomas?
When I went to the NCAA East Regional at the MCI Center last month, I focused my attention on Rudy Gay for most of the UConn-Washington game. After watching him plod through some Huskies games during the regular season, I wanted to see what all the hype (and recent criticism) was about.
What I saw that night didn’t impress me. In UConn’s biggest game of the season (up until that point) Gay looked so disinterested I had to make sure he wasn’t wearing a Knicks uniform. He jogged up and down the court, didn’t move too much on offense and rarely worked for his rebounds. Gay did nothing without the ball. When he had it, though, he showed the flashes of brilliance that made him the #1 NBA prospect back in October.
The talent is there, to be sure. But the lack of effort has to worry NBA GM’s not named after a book of the Bible. If Gay doesn’t play hard with millions on the line, why would he play hard after getting those millions?
Granted, Gay is still 19 and he could certainly change his ways. However, footwork, placement and jump shooting can all be taught, dedication cannot. I’d be worried about Rudy Gay. (And I certainly won’t ever type in “Rudy Gay Age” on Google and click “I’m Feeling Lucky” again.)
As for Thomas, I had some great examples about how a lot of college freshman who turn pro never live up to their lofty expectations (Trevor Ariza, Kris Humphries, Eddie Griffin, DaJaun Wagner, Rodney White, Zach Randolph, DerMarr Johnson, Jamal Crawford, Donnell Harvey), but then I remembered Carmelo was a freshman when he left Syracuse and realized I must have skipped his draft when I was researching my brilliant theory. And taken immediately after Carmelo, I had forgotten, was another frosh, Chris Bosh. The moral of the story, as always: I’m an idiot.

Should the White Sox have banned Buehrle from sliding on the tarp during rain delays?
Of course they shouldn’t have, but they had to. However, I’m pretty sure Kenny Williams would let Jon “13.94 ERA” Garland slide in the tarp during a lightning storm while wearing a suit of armor if the pitcher asked to.

Mail Time
The Braves and the Mets start a three-game set tonight. The Mets are getting a ton of praise their hot start. Are you ready to hand them the division already?
The Mets have played the Nationals, Brewers and Marlins. They have an 84-year old man and a rookie in the #2 and #3 spots of their rotation. Their leadoff hitter had the second lowest OBP on the team last season. The team’s highest paid player slugger hit 16 homeruns last season.
On the other hand, when healthy Pedro is still as good as it gets. David Wright is a sublime talent. Carlos Delgado and Wright give Beltran some protection in the lineup.
It’s still the Braves division to lose (you earn that kind of respect after 14 straight titles), but, if any team is going to dethrone them in the weak N.L. East this season, it will certainly be the Mets. (I’m still picking Atlanta though.)

Ron Jaworski has gone on record as saying that Jay Cutler will be a better pro than Matt Leinart and Vince Young. Still think Cutler is all hype?
Yes, but I’ll be a lot less vocal about it now.

The Suns have been inconsistent lately and have developed a tendency to lost big. They got crushed by the Lakers yesterday, the team they’ll probably meet in the first round of the playoffs. Given what happened in their game Sunday, what kind of chances do you give the Lakers for a first round upset?
This might be the longest question in the history of "Mail Time". I’ve often wondered if the questions they use are from actual e-mails or just written by producers, but this one seems to indicate they come from actual e-mails because anybody associated with the show could have parsed that 54-word epic into: "Can the Lakers beat the Suns in the playoffs." And that answer is, “of course.” Whenever a team fails to play defense, they’re always vulnerable.

Yao Ming is supposed to spend the next four-to-six months recuperating from a broken foot, but officials in China may demand that he play in the World Championships in August. If you were Yao, what would you do?
I’d tell the Chinese government to “它吸.” (It's a bad word... I think.) I’d rant about China for a while but I’m strapped for time, so I’ll just say this: How could Tony “Mr. Liberal” Kornheiser possibly want Yao to capitulate to a communist government that rules a country where 300 million people live in abject poverty, many of whom are forced to work 12-hour days, seven days a week in sweatshop conditions for little to no pay? Yao Ming owes nothing to the Chinese government. They used him for 22 years. Now he should tell them to f--- themselves.

Sportscenter’s top ten plays showed some pretty sweet bowling trick shots. Am I wrong for being totally fascinated by this. It’s cool, right… Right??
Denzel Washington is cool. Bowling trick shots are… neat.

Big Finish
Are you surprised Zach Randolph was sent home for the year?
Just as surprised as I was that the sun came up this morning.

Is it time to start taking Chris Shelton seriously?
He has nine more homeruns than Barry Bonds and Manny Ramirez, combined. I’d say yes.

Can Josh Beckett keep it going?
This depends on what the defintion if "it" is.

Impressed by Aaron Baddeley's win this weekend?
I’m more impressed by his wife.

No Brett Favre decision until July?
I don’t know what they’re talking about; deciding whether to use the push-mower or riding-mower is a huge decision.

You surprised Kenyans won the Boston Marathon?
Just as surprised as I was that Zach Randolph was sent home for the year.

Will Pedro beat the Braves tonight?
Only if Larry Brown was nowhere near Shea Stadium.

You Can't Not Spell Xanadu Without E-S-P-N

(Ed: This started out as an entry about why Miguel Tejada got a free pass for a bonehead play on the basepaths yesterday. It morphed into something totally different. I apologize.)

Today is the last day of Spring Break so I'm taking full advantage of my final day off until Memorial Day and living life to its fullest: Laying on the couch all day, eating Tostitos and watching Boy Meets World reruns. Boy, there were a lot of "days" in that sentence. I'd go back and edit that but Mr. Feeney is lecturing Corey about the importance of taking accountability for one's actions and I don't want to miss it since most of my life lessons have been culled from Feeney and the guy who played Nick on Family Ties.
Speaking of people not taking responsibility for their own stupidity (at least in the AP wire story), how 'bout Miguel Tejada?
Why is nobody ripping him for getting Javy Lopez thrown out on the basepaths yesterday after Lopez hit what would have been a go-ahead homerun in the O's-Angels game. The guys on Sportscenter were laughing about it and so were the clowns on Baseball Tonight. (Granted, I only watched about four minutes of the latter program this morning because it has become so utterly unwatchable, but still.
PTI is my favorite show on television, but ESPN's attempt to mimic that program's format on every one of their "news" shows has made Sportscenter and Baseball Tonight more talk-shows than highlight-shows. If I wanted a 15-minute dissertation about how the Yankees don't have enough pitching, I'll go to WFAN's web site. When I watch Baseball Tonight I want to see highlights of the actual game which showed how the Yankees have no pitching, not listen to John Kruk tell me about it - incorrectly, mind you.
All those ESPN shows have turned more into a preview of upcoming events rather than recaps of events that have already happened. Remember when Sportscenter used to show game highlights that would be just as dramatic as the actual game? Sometimes you wouldn't know a game's result and would feel actual suspense as the highlight was being shown. They'd take 90 seconds to recap the game, showing strikeouts, hits, walks - how the game unfolded, essentially. Now they just show the go-head three-run homerun instead of the homer and how the two guys got on base before it. (ESPNEWS did this very thing today in the Red Sox-Mariners highlight. Of course they showed Mark Loretta's walk-off homerun, but I was more interested in Kevin Youkilis' two-out, two-strike infield single just before it. Without that hit, Loretta doesn't get a chance to win the game. But according to ESPN, it never happened.)
The ESPN game-packages used to be mini-games and the shows would showcase two or three games per night and show shorter highlights for the other contests. Now Sportscenter is just an orgy of homeruns, web-gems and Jeremy Schaap puff-pieces.
If my local Comcast station were remotely watchable, I'd tune in there instead. But they have this chick with a huge neck on CSN and it's really very distracting. (Seriously, look at that thing (left). It's like she descended from a brontosouras.) Plus, they mix the D.C. and Baltimore nes together and no self-respecting person in either of those cities cares about the teams from the other city, so the show has instantly alienates 100% of its target audience when they show the O's and Nat's logos during the intro.
Anyway, to get back to my original point, which I think was about Miguel Tejada then took a left-turn, this is all PTI's fault. It's like when every sitcom tried to copy Seinfeld but all we ended up with was Caroline In The City and The Single Guy.
There are two ways ESPN can improve immediately: Go back to showing extended highlights on Sportscenter, stopping all the analysis and giving Skip Bayless more air-time. I really like that guy.

The Madness Of The Hurricanes

Clinton Portis and Santana Moss were just on a local D.C. radio station promoting a charity bowling event which will take place tomorrow night in Northwest. Football was basically ignored during each interview, as the Redskin players instead decided to discuss a wide array of topics including: strip clubs, blackjack, Ken Dorsey’s sexual prowess, dice games, porn, recruiting visits, Portis’ house (nicknamed “The Chocolate Factory”), white girls driving Ferraris, Chris Cooley’s honorary blackness and a stripper named Chocolate Thunder.
I didn’t catch any of CP’s chat, but was told by my buddy Horo that it might have been the greatest interview of all-time. (Update: The Podcast is now available. And "the greatest interview of all-time" doesn't even begin to cover the sheer awesomeness of Clinton's chat.)
That Horo regarded this interview in such high-esteem says a lot considering we once watched an episode of BET’s Madd Sports which featured a south Florida BBQ involving old players from The U. I’d try to describe it, but some things are better left to the imagination. (If you need some help picturing what 30 ghettillionaire football players having a barbeque would be like, just picture a Trick Daddy video but replace Trick, Ludacris, (Oscar winners) Three 6 Mafia and Trina with Warren Sapp, Ed Reed, Edgerrin James and a bevy of strippers.)
The interview also apparently topped last year’s Portis/Moss/Taylor sit-down when CP and Santana discussed how Portis won $3,000 in a dice game during his recruiting visit to The U. (This morning we found out that Portis spent his winnings later that night at a strip club called Rolexxx. Good thing Camelot and Nexus Gold are near the bowling alley.)
Through all the talk about the star-power at The U, I couldn’t get one thing out of my mind: About a year ago, the hatable Dan LeBatard wrote that of all the players who ever went to Miami, Clinton Portis said Sean Taylor was the craziest, which is sort of like saying, "of all the Jacksons, Michael is the weirdest."
As Portis was rattling of the names of fellow U players like Edgerrin James, Phillip Buchanon and Najeh Davenport, I got to thinking: Can Sean Taylor really be the craziest?
To figure this out, I did what I always do in a craziness-evaluation circumstance: I made a list; a list of the craziest players from The U so I could find out, once and for all, if Sean Taylor is indeed the most unhinged.
Only current NFL players were considered (with one special dispensation), which eliminates dozens of crazy U players not good enough to make the jump and also saves me the trouble of including the entire rosters from the Jimmy Johnson/Luther Campbell-era.
In ascending order of whack-jobbiness:

Kenard Lang
- Founder of the popular “taking a dump” celebration after a quarterback sack.

Dan Morgan
- Rumored to have been barred from Miami weight room after Romanowski-esque lifting sessions and techniques.

Jerome McDougle
- Shot in attempted carjacking.

Antrell Rolle
– Arrested on charges of battery after road-rage brawl.

Jeff Feagles
- Killed Sean Landeta with his bare hands during a heated argument about who was the best 40-something punter in NFL history.

Jeremy Shockey
- Called Bill Parcells a "homo."
- Told Maxim he fantastizes about having a "three-some with a mother and her two twins."

Kellen Winslow, Jr.
- After a college game against Tennessee said, "this is war. I don't give a flying you know what about a Vol. They don't give a freaking you know what about you. They will kill you. So I'm going to kill them. All you take this down. We don't care about nobody but this U. We don't. If I didn't hurt him, he'd hurt me. They're gunning for my legs, I'll come right back at them. I'm a f****** soldier."
- After sitting out most of rookie season with a torn ACL, was injured for his entire second season following a motorcycle crash caused by an attempt to perform difficult tricks.

Jamaal Green
- Arrested on felony battery charges after reportedly breaking the jaw and orbital of a student who had dropped a drink on Green’s date.

Edgerrin James
- Told ESPN: The Magazine that he enjoys buying crack for people and watching them get high.
- Willingly signed with the Arizona Cardinals.

Phillip Buchanon
- Calls himself “Showtime”
- Refers to himself in the third person
- Once showed up to Raiders training camp in a fancy pajama suit with a five-inch Playboy medallion around his neck.
- Publicly ripped Raiders franchise moments before final game of 2004 season.

Bryant McKinnie
- Held out for eight months to begin NFL career.
- Charged in Vikings sex boat scandal. According to the official charges “[McKinnie] picked up a naked woman, placed her on the bar in the lounge and commenced to perform oral sex on her. … At a different time during the evening, [witnesses] saw Mr. McKinnie along with three other unidentified males receiving oral sex from four women while the men were seated in deck chairs on the boat.”
- Arrested after fight at Bobby & Steve’s Auto World in September of 2005.

Ray Lewis
- Charged with double-murder following Super Bowl-night shooting in Atlanta. Later pled guilty to obstruction of justice. No persons were ever convicted of the murders, despite belief that both Lewis accomplices were guilty.
- Have you ever seen him "Mic'd Up"?

Michael Irvin
- Is Michael Irvin.

Najeh Davenport
- Arrested for allegedly breaking into a Barry University dorm room, squatting in closet and defecating in a laundry basket.

Sean Taylor (?)
- Left mandatory NFL rookie symposium after four hours.
- Fired his agents one week after signing an $18 million contract.
- Arrested for DWI following Rod Gardner’s birthday party.
- Accused of spitting on Bengals receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh.
- Was only Redskins player to skip mini-camp prior to 2005 season.
- Refused to return Joe Gibbs’ phone calls following rookie season.
- Arrested for assault following an incident in which he allegedly pointed a gun at two men suspected of stealing his ATVs. After leaving the scene, Taylor reportedly returned with a baseball bat and punched one of the men in the face.
- Spit in the face of Bucs RB Michael Pittman during playoff game and was ejected.

At first I was reluctant to believe Portis’ claims about the craziness of Sean Taylor. But after researching the topic I came to one inevitable conclusion: Never doubt the word of a man with a stripper pole in his basement. SeanTay is nuts.

Chris Paul Is Hot Like Hansel. And Michael Grieco.

ESPN.com's John Hollinger says Chris Paul is the best rookie point guard in the past 45 years and the best overall rookie guard since Michael Jordan. (And yes, that includes Magic.) Hollinger also predicts Paul, based on his rookie stats, will be the best overall PG in the entire NBA within two seasons. In other news, Deron Williams, another guard taken one spot ahead of Paul in the 2005 Draft, is the best rookie point guard named Deron in the history of the league. So he's got that going for him.

* Proving it's never a dull offseason in Washington, Sean Taylor's felony assault trial was delayed once again yesterday after it was revelead prosecutor and assistant state attorney Michael Grieco was using the case to promote his side career as a Miami Beach DJ. Feel free to re-read that sentence again if necessary. I know I did.
SeanTay's defense team alleged Grieco (for a time I thought his first name was Richard, which would have made this already awesome story better by a factor of 70) was linking to press clippings about the trial via his page on MySpace. That page, which has since been shut down, promoted Grieco's nighttime-gig as a club DJ. Luckily some enterprising soul on Redskins message board ExtremeSkins.com found the erased page on Google and, also luckily, Mike at the Redskins store told me about it this morning as I was purchasing a 'Skins jumper/bootie set for my niece. Click here to access the page and be sure to keep in mind that this guy is an assistant state's attorney.

* As predicted, nothing went down last night at the much-hyped Pedro/Nats showdown at RFK. Except the Nats continuing to be terrible, that is. They're really, really bad. At least they sent down "leadoff hitter" Brandon Watson today (he of the .399 OPS) and called up last year's rookie sensation Ryan Church. Of course, Church is currently batting .130 in AAA New Orleans, so consider my enthusiasm curbed for the moment.

Wednesday Thoughts

Between the Nats’ home opener, celebrating the Nats’ home opener with various spirits and recovering from both the Nats’ home opener and celebrating said home opener with various spirits, I wasn’t able to post anything yesterday. And even though I’m on spring break, I have another busy day planned today. However, because the #1 goal of Chris’s Sports Blog is to provide daily worktime diversions for the masses, I’m now going to write as much as possible during my three morning cups of coffee.

* Even though it’s going to be a long baseball season in the District, I was still excited about Opening Day. Sure, it’s sort of lame when “opening day” is the eighth game of the season and when Russ Ortiz is the starter in that eighth game, but after not having baseball in my hometown for the first 22 years of my life, I’m happy for any and every game played within the city limits.
That being said, yesterday was a pretty uninteresting afternoon at the ballpark. It seemed that the Nats expended all their energy going 2-5 against the Mets and Astros because their attitude and play yesterday was borderline lazy. During the pre-game announcements my uncle (who’d like for me to say that Mickey Mantle is the greatest of all-time) turned and said, “they don’t look too excited to be here.” He was right. It was a long cry from last year when the players were like Little Leaguers before the home opener.
It’s say a lot about the game when the highlight of the afternoon, for me, was some big guy in the row in front of us scaling down three rows of seats (no small feat in itself, for this was a man of generous proportions) and swatted the hat off a guy who was yelling something during Placido Domingo’s rendition of the National Anthem (or was it the other guy… I can’t remember). This led to my oft-repeated question of: If men are supposed to remove their hats during the National Anthem, why do women keep them on? Equality of the sexes, my ass. But I digress.
At least tonight’s game should be infinitely more interesting: Pedro Martinez is on the mound in his first start following his beanball orgy last week at Shea. (A quick refresher: Pedro had hit Jose Guillen three times in 45 at-bats prior to last week. Then, last Wednesday, Pedro hit Guillen twice in his first two at-bats, which led to a shouting match and Guillen storming the mound. Pedro also hit another National player, but at no time was he giving a warning by the umpiring crew, the same crew that missed Paul Lo Duca dropping the ball at home plate in the season opener, a gaffe which led to the Mets win.)
I love Pedro. I’ve loved Pedro since he was with the Expos ten seasons ago. I loved Pedro when he was on the Sox. And he’s always been a headhunter. That’s his thing. He throws at batters and he does it on purpose, intimidating through fear (much like Roger Clemens). This goes unchallenged by the baseball hierarchy because Pedro (and Rocket) are stars. But after the first plunking of Guillen last week, Pedro should have been warned. They have a history. This isn’t the first time it’s happened, and the umpires should have been aware of that. They weren’t, so instead of Pedro getting in his shot and not being able to do it again, he was able to throw at Guillen a second time. It was only then that the warning came. Needing to retaliate, the Nats’ Francisco Rodriguez had to throw at somebody and he did. His ejection (and subsequent three-game suspension) were fair, but also ridiculous: At that point in the Mets/Nationals series, the Mets had hit six Nationals. F-Rod’s pitch was the first by a Nat to hit a New York player.
Yesterday, there was no trouble between the teams. Tonight, though, there could be some fireworks at RFK. The Nats should throw at a Met player (preferably Carlos Beltran... Just because) in the top of the first, which would cause the home plate ump to give a warning to both teams. That way, Pedro can't hit anybody without getting tossed. Frankly, I think all the pre-game hype (the ESPN lead story, a Buster Olney blog entry) will lead to an uneventful night. But if something does happen, look for Pedro to go up and in on Guillen without actually hitting him. Pedro isn't dumb, he knows plunking Guillen could lead to an ejection. He also knows Guillen is a hothead and will likely charge the mound on any ball that's inside. So, much like Tony Soprano, Pedro will try to provoke an easy target and let the rest work itself out. Thank goodness tonight is the first game of my 20-game season ticket plan or else I'd be forced to watch on MLB.com. And I'm pretty sure they don't have a "brawl" feature on their Gameday bot.

- Despite having no evidence beyond the word of a woman who once tried to run over a sheriff’s deputy with a stolen car, Durham District Attorney Mike Nifong still says he has a case against 46 Duke lacrosse players and will continue to pursue one. This, of course, has nothing to do with the fact that Nifong is up for re-election in November. This whole story stinks and has from day one. Here’s why:
Elitism, entitlement and boorishness make not a rapist - I’m sure the Duke lacrosse team consists, mainly, of a bunch of assholes. I have little doubt that they are loud, obnoxious, egotistical pricks who think they’re the bee’s knees because the play LaCrosse (as some inevitably (and arrograntly) spell it). I’m sure a few have sexist, racist and classist tendencies. But these things don’t make any of them a rapist.
Rape is the most vile, disgusting and demeaning act possible. (Beyond going to Duke, of course.) To lump these lacrosse players in with the dredges of society simply because they are a bunch of entitled rich kids is irresponsible. (The irony of judging these guys because of their wealth and status is surely lost on many of those who instantly proclaimed them guilty.)
This case has nothing to do with race but everything to do with wealth - After O.J. Simpson murdered two people and was found not guilty, the black community rejoiced because, for many, it was the first time they saw somebody of their race “beat the system.” That O.J. had shunned the black community for years didn’t matter.
But O.J. didn’t get off because he was black, he got off because he was rich.
The popular refrain during this case has been “if the shoe was on the other foot (ie, if the stripper was white and the players were black), the team would be in jail.” That may be true, but only if the stripper was rich and the players were poor. If a stripper from a trailer park accused, say, Puffy and his entourage, of rape, the same thing would be happening in that situation as is in Durham right now.
America’s court system isn’t biased against minorities, it’s biased against the poor.
Duke’s president has a terrible mustache. Oh, and he’s a huge coward. - Bowing to pressure from the media and irresponsible leaks from the D.A.’s office, Duke president Dick Brodhead cancelled the lacrosse team’s season without a single charge having been filed against anybody. For that, he is a coward more interested in playing to the media than in defending his own students.
The “vile e-mail” about skinning strippers is said to have clinched Brodhead’s decision. That said e-mail was an oft-repeated quote from a popular movie was apparently irrelevant. (And aybody who thinks that a vulgar e-mail makes somebody a criminal should offer to have every single one of their e-mails displayed for public consumption.)
I’ve heard it said that Brodhead made the right decision because the players using campus housing for a party with alcohol and strippers was a violation of team and university rules. To which I say: Are you f---ing kidding me? If that were the case then there would be no Division I-A football season for about 115 of the 116 teams (BYU being the possible exception).
If Brodhead wanted to revoke some scholarships because of the party, fine. That’s his prerogative. Scholarships are privileges, not rights. But to cancel the entire season because of an allegation is spineless. He should suspended the accused players (surely all 46 couldn’t have been at the party that night) until the D.A. filed his report, condemned the party and any possible criminal action that occured while still vaguely supporting his students and proclaimed that, if something did indeed happen, the Duke lacrosse season would be cancelled. Instead, Brodhead caved and hung the lacrosse team out to dry. The Duke regents should do the same to Brodhead if this blows over.
Belly dancing is exotic. Stripping is stripping. - This whole “politically correct” thing has gone too far.
Nifong is a blowhard - Roger Cossack and John Leo can explain why better than I can. (Leo's contention that many protestors likely want the allegations to be true just so it can reinforce their preconceived notions is spot-on.)
Does this mean I can finger J.J. Redick for the Kennedy Assassination? - To counter the defense statement that there was no Dukie DNA found on the accuser, the district attorney leaked the following information: The accuser identified three of her three attackers. (When asked, Nifong denied the claim.) This “fact” was incessantly repeated by protesters yesterday as a sure sign the accuser’s story is true. Whether it is or not has nothing to do with the following statement: Why wouldn’t the accuser be able to pick out three Duke lacrosse players from a photo array? Nobody is doubting she was at the house that night. Nobody is contending she didn’t see a bunch of Duke lacrosse players while there. Those three guys may, in fact, be guilty. Or they may just have been three guys at the party who did nothing criminal.
Once again, I want to make clear that I’m not condoning mistreatment of women or any actions of the Duke lacrosse team. No matter what happens, this is an unfortunate situation. I just think what the media has done in turning these guys into rapists without any actual evidence is irresponsible.

Wanna Be Your Lover... Lover... Loverboy (And Other Weekend Thoughts)

- After the exciting morning round, the afternoon at The Masters was kind of disappointing. It never felt like Phil Mickelson wasn't going to win (I wrote a text to my cousin at 10:45 a.m. saying "Phil's not going to lose this.") Whether it was his eerily calm attitude or the possibility that those ridiculously-long tresses had a Samson-like effect on Lefty, Mickelson was in control the entire afternoon. If Fred Couples had hit a few putts, it might have been a different story, though.
With Mickelson winning three of the last nine majors the inevitable question will become "at the moment, is Phil better than Tiger" (in fact, I'm predicting that exact question on PTI this afternoon), but let's not forget that Tiger is nine for his last 26. It's still his world, but Phil is at least getting in the conversation.

- Between my sister and newborn niece being in town, work and a post-Tournament malaise, I was a little behind on the blog-writing last week. That should change this week, as I'm on Spring Break until next Monday. Even so, I'm feeling like I'm never going to get to my planned baseball preview and with the Nationals' Opening Day tomorrow, it would be until Wednesday, at least, that I'd get to it. So I'm just going to cut the crap and post my predictions and later this week will add some thoughts. These were made before the season started:

AL East
New York Yankees
Boston Red Sox
Toronto Blue Jays
Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Baltimore Orioles

AL Central
Cleveland Indians
Chicago White Sox
Minnesota Twins
Detroit Tigers
Kansas City Royals

AL West
Oakland A’s
Los Angeles Angels
Texas Rangers
Seattle Mariners

NL East
Atlanta Braves
Philadelphia Phillies
New York Mets
Washington Nationals
Florida Marlins

NL Central
St. Louis Cardinals
Milwaukee Brewers
Houston Astros
Chicago Cubs
Pittsburgh Pirates
Cincinnati Reds

NL West
San Francisco Giants
San Diego Padres
Los Angeles Dodgers
Arizona Diamonbacks
Colorado Rockies

Divisional Series
Cleveland over New York
Oakland over Boston

St. Louis over San Francisco
Atlanta over Milwaukee

Championship Series
Cleveland over Oakland
St. Louis over Atlanta

World Series
St. Louis over Cleveland

- Back before Thanksgiving I made a list of things I was thankful for. There were 15 different things for which I was thankful, including Bill Raftery, the Panthers cheerleaders, Allen Iverson's "practice?" press conference, etc. And while I was, and am thankful for each of the items that made my list, in reality they were just filler. There's only one thing I'm thankful for. And that is Billy Ocean's "Loverboy" video.
It's indescribable, really, but in November I tried during an e-mail to my buddy Falkow:

holy s---. I’m watching this billy ocean video on vh1 classic where he’s dancing in some sort of inter-galactic bar that looks like it belongs in star wars, and there are these cheesy special effects and ridiculous looking dinosaur-looking creatures with weird hair and expressionless faces getting mad at each other and one of them is supposed to be a hot chick-dinosaur and they’re all vying for her, and then there’s one with a tv for a head and now they’re getting in a laser fight.. and billy ocean is dancing in a leather vest in the middle of it all... I’m not even doing it justice. now the lead dinosaur looking thing is taking the chick away and these little dudes are praying on the beach to a vision of billy ocean singing in a box hanging overhead... oh f---, this was amazing.

I tried my best to find the video that afternoon but, alas, it was nowhere to be found. I haven't looked for the clip since that day, but last night I was holding my four-week-old niece and playing her some songs when Ocean's "Loverboy" came on. I remembered the awesomeness over the video and went searching for it. Thanks to the miracle that is YouTube, this quest was successful. Enjoy. And watch the whole thing.


- And while we're on videos, this might be one of the best internet videos I've ever seen. A guy out in San Diego synced up Curt Gowdy's call of the end of Game 6 of the 1986 World Series (The Buckner Game) with an RBI Baseball replay of the proceedings. With geniuses like this guy out there, it's amazing we still don't have a cure for cancer. (Via Deadspin)

Maggie Dixon

Three weeks ago I had never heard of Maggie Dixon. It wasn't until she coached the Army women's basketball team to a surprising win in the Patriot League Championship and got the team their first-ever appearance in the NCAA Tournament that I first heard her name. After that win, profiles in The New York Times and on various Web sites told the Dixon story; about how she stepped on the banks of the Hudson just 11 days before the 2005-2006 season, about how the team she inherited was just four games over .500 over the past five seasons, about how her brother, Jamie, is the head coach at Pittsburgh, and about how, after the Championship win over Holy Cross, her players carried Dixon off the court on their shoulders. It was a heartwarming tale that now has a tragic ending.
Maggie Dixon died yesterday after suffering a cardiac arrhmytmia. She was 28.
I was initially interested in Dixon's story because my sister graduated from West Point in 2000 and is currently a Captain in the United States Army. She played tennis at Army and knows first-hand how difficult it is to compete in a varsity sport at West Point (along with all the other responsibilities cadets have). Her experience gave me the utmost respect for what Dixon could do with a team that has basketball as their fourth-or-fifth most important responsibility while at school.
The tragedy of Dixon's untimely demise also hits me on a personal level, as I've had some heart trouble in the past and consider myself lucky to be as healthy and active as I am today.
It's a heartbreaking day for the Dixon family and for all of college basketball. Who knows what Maggie Dixon would have accomplished in her coaching career. Two pretty good coaches got their starts in the same gym as Dixon. Their names were Bobby Knight and Mike Krzyzewski.

Instant Schedule Thoughts

- My initial disappointment in the lack of excitement in the Redskins 2006 schedule was immediately alleviated upon second-viewing of their 16-game slate.
After opening with two primetime games (the Monday night opener at home vs. Minnesota, then a Sunday night rematch in Dallas on NBC), the Redskins schedule calms down considerably. Games at Houston, home against Jacksonville, at the Giants and home against Tennessee are next, leading up to a 4:15 showdown with the Colts in Indy. A well-placed bye week (it's about time they had one of those) comes before the second "Dallas Week."
After two tough road games (at Philly and Tampa), Washington has a nice three-game post-Thanksgiving homestand, followed by two of their easiest road games (at New Orleans and St. Louis). The Redskins close-out the season, and possibly their first NFC East title in seven years, on a Saturday night at home against the Giants, in a game to be broadcast on the NFL Network.
Unlike last year's brutal close, the Redskins should have an easier stretch-run. If they can get themselves in position early, it could be a magical season in D.C.

- The NFL's primetime schedule is uninspiring, which I suppose was the plan. I'm actually excited about the one Monday night game likely to draw groans across the country (Chicago at Arizona), because the Cardinals have a beautiful, state-of-the-art stadium opening in 2006 and neither team gets much national exposure. Plus, it will be nice to hear Joe Thiesmann discuss how Kurt Warner is still one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL after his eighth fumble.
For the third consecutive season, the NFL swung and missed with one of their Christmas Day games. While Philly at Dallas should be fun, no matter what the teams' records are, the Jets at Miami has the potential to be a stinker, even if the Dolphins do live up to the preseason hype they'll inevitably get. And what's with Christmas in Miami? What is this, The Golden Girls? People in cold-weather locales don't want to see shining sun as they're unbuckling their belts following a big meal and hooking-up their new HDTV's, they want the frozen tundra or another snow-bowl. Or at least the chance to see Eli Manning cry on Christmas Day!

- Didn't we learn our lesson about putting the Ravens on multiple primetime telecasts? Even Edgar Allen Poe doesn't want to see Baltimore travel to Denver. Come on now. And, you would think the NFL would give themselves some great match-ups for their inagural Thursday night games. Instead they put on: Baltimore at Cincy, Cleveland at Pittsburgh, San Francisco at Seattle and Minnesota at Green Bay. (All intradivisional contests, by the way.) This is like buying NBC and ordering two seasons worth of Joey.

- Whoever wins the "Manning Bowl" on the NFL's opening weekend will definitely be the favorite to flame-out early in the playoffs.

- Seattle has four primetime games. So, anybody who wants to make plans for the following dates: October 1, November 6, November 27 and December 14, I'll be available. (I'm telling you right now: The Seahawks would finish 6-10 if they weren't in the worst division in football. As it is, 9-7 sounds good.

- Now that the Giants have one of the "most difficult schedules in the NFL", we'll never hear the end of it. Keep in mind though, what looks difficult in April has a way of looking a lot different come October. One year ago, the Redskins "gimmie" games included: Chicago and Tampa. Games against Philly were considered unwinnable.
Things change in the NFL. Just because the Giants have the hardest schedule today means nothing in the 2006 season.

Thursday Thoughts

To: Falkow
From: Chase
NFL sked tomorrow at 2
10:06 p.m. 4/5/06

To: Chase
From: Falkow
You might as well have just told me christmas was tomorrow
10:07 p.m. 4/5/06

It's been stated many times on this site before, but here it is again: NFL Schedule Day is the most underrated sports day of the year. So, it goes without saying, that I'm pretty excited about this afternoon's schedule unveiling.
Sports fans, by nature, are an anticipatory bunch. Because things like the Super Bowl and Final Four are often huge letdowns, the biggest joy many fans get are when there's a clean slate. It's why baseball's opening day is so magical. It's why Selection Sunday, with it's eternal possibility, is the best day of the year. We like looking ahead. We enjoy playing out various scenarios in our heads, imagining what it would be like if, just maybe, our team can string-together a run. It's much more fun to imagine potential than it is to confront reality. As they say, everybody is even on opening day.
Every year, when I see the Redskins schedule, I pick out a few games and think to myself, "man, I can't wait for that one." Sometimes I'm disappointed (see: 1993-2004), but every now and again, the buildup proves worth it.
Fifty-one weeks ago my cousin George and I had our annual post-schedule-release phone call and, besides the Monday nighter at Dallas (which proved worthy of the five months of waiting it brought), we couldn't stop talking about that New Year's Day game in Philly. How awesome would it be, we said, if the 'Skins were playing the Eagles for a spot in the playoffs. We decided, then and there, that we would have to be at The Linc if that happened.
Such unfulfilled promises are common in those situations. I make them a few times per year ("We're definitely going to the Final Four if (fill in the blank) makes it" or "Road trip to Dallas for that Thanksgiving Day game? Absolutely!) But this time our dream became a reality. Heading into the season's final week, the Redskins needed a win in Philly to clinch a playoff berth. And George and I were there to see them do it, just as we had hoped on that optimistic afternoon known simply as "Schedule Day." (At least by me.)

- Falkow believes the NFL should have a "Selection Show"-style unveiling of the master schedule, not this mass release and recap crap the NFL Network has planned tomorrow. The league could list all the primetime match-ups, or go week-by-week, listing the best games first and then quickly naming all the other games, Falkow thinks. And for a man who once shopped for 35 minutes in "Abercrombie Kids" before realizing that there was a reason all the shirts he was holding up didn't look like they'd fit, this is a pretty damn good idea.

- My sister made a good observation after the Women's National Championship game ended Tuesday night, with Maryland beating Duke in overtime. "None of the girls on Duke are crying," she said, "yet J.J. Redick bawled like a baby."
That's because he's about 17 times more feminine than every player on the Duke women's team.

- The post-Tournament coaches poll might be the biggest waste of time this side of preseason NFL football and Entertainment Tonight.
Florida won the National title. But they're not the best team in the country. UCLA lost in the National final. But that doesn't mean they're the second best team in the country. I love George Mason and all they did over the previous three weeks, but there's absolutely no way they are the 8th best team in the nation. And don't get me started on Wichita State being ranked behind Tennessee. Please don't.

- Speaking of polls, in one that came out Tuesday, the Duke lacrosse team, which has had their season cancelled, is currently ranked 12th. That's a three-spot drop from the previous week for the Blue Devils who, again, have had their season cancelled. In other news, Dick Vitale has picked Duke to win the men's Division I Lacrosse National Championship.

- Check back at 4:45 p.m. for "Instant - Well, Not That Instant - Schedule Thoughts" and then come back tomorrow for "Complete NFL Schedule Thoughts and CSB's 2006 Baseball Preview."

Ladies In Red

Ahh, Chris DeBurgh. Whatever happened to that cat? Anyway, my baseball preview is slow in developing, thanks, in large part, to last's night women's National Championship which was pretty damn exciting. Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm still no fan of women's basketball. But I'd watch teams representing Maryland and Duke play Candyland if there was a national title on the line. (And, for the record, I turned the game on with five minutes left in the second half.)
Congratulations to the Lady Terrapins for their impressive win, and for demonstrating to Maryland fans what can happen when a team relies on hard work and effort, in addition to prodigious talent. And congrats to myself for finishing 1,430 out of about 160,000 in the ESPN.com Women's Tournament Challenge. That's right people. I'm a woman's basketball savant. More on that in a minute. In the meantime, some more title thoughts:

- For this year, at least, Brenda Frese was the best basketball coach at the University of Maryland. Totally out-sized by the behemoths in the Duke frontcourt, Frese utilized high-screens, low-screens, screen doors and HD-screens in Maryland's victory. She also had her team playing remarkably calm basketball in a pressure-packed situation. Compare that to Gary Williams' Terps who, this year, looked like nicotine-addicted lab rats on a sugar high whenever the situation became tense.

- Mike Patrick's Duke-love doesn't stop with J.J. Redick and the men's team, but that's OK. Years of working with both Dick Vitale and Paul McGuire make Patrick's idiocy justifiable. Frankly, if Patrick went on a tri-state killing spree, lawyers would have a hard time convicting him after presenting evidence of the total mental collapse that comes from sitting next to Vitale for 35 games per season.

- Can women really play "man-on-man" defense? I mean, if mailboxes were playing basketball, I think having each mailbox guarding another exclusively would be called "mailbox-on-mailbox" defense. If dogs were playing it'd be "dog-on-dog". (The same could be said for games between Duke's intramural women's teams.) Anyway, if there was any reference to "woman-on-woman" defense during a game, ratings for women's basketball would instantly skyrocket.

- For as exciting as that game was last night (and it was exciting), I still can't get on-board with women's basketball. It's terrible. Way too many shots hit the underside of the rim, there were far too many stupid plays and those "great fundamentals" we hear so much about? They must have been on vacation. The reason women's basketball will never be huge is because it's too easily compared to the men's game. And the men do it better. This is not sexist, it's the truth. Women's tennis and golf can be big because it's tougher to evaluate how those respective games change when they're being played by the opposite sex. A forehand is a forehand is a forehand. But an ugly jumpshot in the women's game is instantly compared to a sweet looking J in the men's. As are lay-ups on fast breaks and coaches in high heels. Come on, break out the flats, ladies.
And before somebody breaks out the "women shoot better" argument (as is inevitable), let me come back with the counter-argument that nobody ever talks about: THE WOMEN'S BALL IS SMALLER!!! Of course they shoot better! That thing can rattle around in the rim like a marble in a bucket. Women shoot better because it's easier to make a basket with a smaller ball. If I were Charlie Brown I'd let out an "aaaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhh!" right here because it makes me so damn frustrated.

- So I'm guessing you're wondering about why I entered the Women's Tournament Challenge on ESPN.com, eh? A few weeks back in an ongoing e-mail discussion with some of my college buddies, we were going back-and-forth about how bad we usually do in our regular pool. At some point, one of us responded, "I bet we could do better in the women's pool." And, thus, a challenge was born. Swearing each other to secrecy, we each filled out brackets. (This led to my buddy Falkow becoming befuddled when he went to the ESPN.com women's basketball page to find the link to the Challenge and saw that my picks were listed on the main page along with all the network's "experts" (left). Falkow inititally thought I was a closeted women's basketball analyst, until finally realizing that because he uses my Insider password, my picks automatically popped up. He didn't discover this until he had to leave his cubicle because he was laughing so hard, though.)
Anyway, it started out rough for three of us, as we were all in the 15th percent after the first round. (The Wolfman, however, was in the 97th percentile, presumably because Southern Illinois didn't make the Women's Tournament.) But on the strength of nailing three of the Final Four, predicting both Duke and Maryland to make the Finals and, of course, picking the Terps to win it all, I made a miraculous recovery and finished higher than 99.1% of entrants. ("Expert" Michelle Voepel finished in the 14th percentile.)
And yes, I just bragged for three paragraphs about doing well in the Women's Tournament Challenge. Next, I'll be writing odes to A. Rod. Come back tomorrow for that.

The Tuesday Ten

1) One time, as part of court-ordered community service, I volunteered at a homeless shelter. (Of course, if one is forced to partake in an activity under threat of penalty of the law, can it really be considered volunteering?) Anyway, during my 50 hours at the shelter, one of my responsibilities was to look at the security monitors at night to make sure all was kosher throughout the building. Nothing ever happened (which was good, because what the hell would I have done if, say, a fight had broken out in the sleeping hall - walked up there and politely requested they stop?), so my evening pretty much consisted of staring at the one monitor that had a partial-shot of the road on the off-chance that a car would drive by to give me a wee-bit of excitement and flipping through various back-issues of Ebony from the early-'90s. This would go on from 2 a.m. to 6 a.m. for five consecutive Monday nights. And sitting in that cramped little space, watching six monitors where nothing ever happened in the middle of a men's homeless shelter, in the middle of the night, in the middle of the ghetto... Well that was still a whole lot more exciting than the 2006 NCAA Men's Basketball Championship.
Man, that was boring.

2) I like Jim Nantz more than most, which is to say, I don't hate Jim Nantz. Some find his pre-written end-of-event one-liners a tad on the cheesy side (eg, "a win for the ages") and I used to disagree. But after last year's ("it started in March, ended in April and belonged to May") and this year's ("Florida is as good as it gets") final college basketball lines, I've done a 180. Florida is as good as it gets? I suppose that makes Tennessee, who beat the Gators twice this year, omnipotent or something. Florida won, and deserved to win, the National Championship. There's no need to make them out to be an all-time great though (On ESPN.com you can vote on whether Florida is the greatest team of the past ten years. WHAT?!) They beat exactly one very good team throughout the Tournament (Villanova) and took advantage of off-nights by their opponent in each of their last four victories.
Florida is "long", they rebound well and guys like Noah and Horford certainly influence shots, but Georgetown, Villanova, George Mason and UCLA all beat themselves in their losses to UF more than they were beaten.
I'm not buying the hype that Florida's defense was the reason they won it all, as everyone has been claiming today. They won with a combination of skill, athleticism, good coaching and serendipity. And there's nothing wrong with that. Tournament-winning teams sometimes just have things clicking, as Florida did over the past three weeks. Just because they won doesn't mean we have to act like we should have seen it coming. If we should have seen it coming, why did no major analyst predict Florida would make the National Championship, let alone win it? Winning the NCAA Tournament doesn't make Florida the best team in the nation. It makes them the NCAA Champions.

3) How many blocked shots did Bill Russell have in the 1955 and 1956 Championship games? What about Wilt in 1957 or Alcindor during his three title games in the late '60s? The answer: Zero... At least officially. Shot blocks didn't become an official NCAA statistic until the mid-'70s (I had trouble finding out exactly when, but as far as I could tell, they weren't in any box score before the mid-'70s). So, while Joakim Noah is a stellar shot blocker who (unlike Shelden Williams) gets rejections on players he's not defending and gets possession after his blocks (also unlike "The Landlord"), Noah's Championship game record is more of a "most blocks in the past 29 games," rather than an all-time record.

4) Can we please stop with the chatter about expanding the NCAA Tournament? It's a terrible, misguided idea that would render the regular season meaningless and also destroy the general public's interest in the event, as filling in brackets with 336 teams doesn't have the symmetrical beauty, or ease, of the 64-team bracket. Just because Jim Boeheim feels bad that Gary Williams has done a terrible coaching job over the past 28 months doesn't mean we have to let in the 3-28 team from the MEAC. This is a worse idea than expanding the NFL playoffs, by the way, which is sort of like saying Basic Instinct 2 was a worse idea than Snakes on a Plane; which, of course, 'cause Snakes on a Plane is the greatest idea in the history of film.

5) The NCAA, like Major League Baseball, rarely (if ever) makes a good decision. So, I'm not going to hold my breath or anything, but there are three points of emphasis the Rules Committee needs to focus on next season:

6) Palming and Carrying - Thanks to Allen Iverson, every basketball player under the age of 23 thinks changing direction with the ball mid-dribble is a legal maneuver and utilizes said maneuver nearly every possession. It's not. Refs will say, "everybody does it so we can't call it," but that's a cop-out. If the officials called palming, everybody would have to stop. Greg Paulus does it every single time he dribbles into the lane. He's not the only one, by a long-shot, but I hate him so he's a useful rube in my example.

7) Clearing out while driving - I'm sort of resigned to palming becoming a part of basketball like baggy shorts, headbands and Chris Kamen. But this whole business about extending one's non-dribbling arm while driving is still new enough to infuriate me for a few more seasons. Since when did this become legal? In almost every game this Tournament, there would be egregious fouls committed by point guards dribbling into the paint with their arm extended like a soldier in a Communist army. Yet the refs did nothing. Except for the times they did something and called blocking fouls on the defense. Oh, it gets me so mad. Defenders are helpless against this move, which gives the offense a huge space and momentum advantage. It's only a matter of time before Mike Krzyzewski sends Greg Paulus (who has made this move his Sky Hook) out onto the court with Chris Collins under his jersey so his PG can have two other hands to clear out with. And there are way too many jokes to be made in the follow-up to that last sentence so I'm just going to move on.

8) Timeouts - A player should never be allowed to call timeout while falling out of bounds. A player should never be allowed to call timeout while he doesn't have full possession of the ball. A player should never be allowed to call timeout if he can't in-bound the ball. A player should never be allowed to call timeout to save himself from a ten-second violation. A player should never be allowed to call timeout to stop a potential jump-ball situation. A player should never be allowed to call timeout after his own team makes a basket. These should be the rules. For everybody except Greg Paulus, of course.

9) I was kind hoping to forget about the women's national championship tonight so I wouldn't be tempted to turn it on and see how the Lady Terps are doing. But ESPN.com is making that pretty damn hard, so screw it... Go Terps. (No exclamation point though.)

10) Check back tomorrow for Chris's Sports Blog 2006 Major League Baseball Preview: Haiku or Limerick Edition.

Lazy Monday

The first Monday in April is always one of the best sports days of the year, with baseball opening its season as college basketball finishes theirs. It's a lovely circle, indicative of birth and death and all that crap. I'm sure a yoga instructor could explain it better than I.
But this year, I'm just not feelin' it. As the Wolfman procrastinatorily wrote in an e-mail this afternoon, "can anyone think of a more nondescript championship game or bbaseball opening day." Ignoring his aversion to the most basic rules of grammar, he has a point. Usually I'm eagerly anticipating the National Championship and am well in-tune with what's going on around baseball before the season starts. But this morning I didn't know who the Red Sox were playing, what time the Nationals game started or if the Orioles were even fielding a team anymore. It's not that I don't care about baseball, it's just that opening day kind of snuck up on me. Maybe if ESPN spent half as much time plugging opening day instead of the women's basketball tournament, I might have realized the Sox were playing at 2:00 on the Deuce. (But I guess my apathy has vanished because I'm now in a pissy mood after the Nats got screwed out of a game-tying run in the top of the 8th a few minutes ago. Alfonso Soriano was safe at home, but the umpire (who was in the worst possible spot to see the play) missed it. If the Nats had been playing any team other than the Mets, I'd chalk it up to the whole "all referees/umpires/officials are terrible at their jobs" thing, but since the game was in New York, I'm going to assume Paul Tagliabue had something to do with it.)
In other baseball news, David Ortiz is amazing and the new ESPN Gamecast is vastly improved over the unbelievably crappy version the site used to have. Only time will tell whether I'll make the switch from MLB.com to ESPN while being forced to watch the Nats play on a computer because baseball somehow allows Comcast to shut the Nats out in the D.C. area.
And how 'bout Michelle Wie?! Did she take lessons from the Chris Webber School of End-Game Management?
As for tonight's prediction: I'm guessing I'm going to flip to FX's showing of Die Hard With a Vengeance during the under 12 timeout and will keep it there until McClane and Zeus get on the boat.
Pick: UCLA 61 - Florida 53

If I Was A Fan Of Lame Clichés, I'd Say The Clock Struck Midnight

All the CBS and ESPN talking heads will doubtlessly talk about how George Mason lost because Florida was too athletic and big. They'll talk about how George Mason's loss was inevitable and how they never really had a shot to make it to the Finals. They'll talk about how Mason finally ran into a team equipped to beat them. But that's all crap. The only thing that mattered tonight was this:

3-point field goals (as of 3:00 remaining)
Florida 11-21
George Mason 2-10

Florida executed and Mason didn't. It's as simple as that. George Mason missed layups, runners and open threes. Nothing was falling and they lost because of it.
The Patriots still had a magical season and nothing that happened tonight diminishes that at all. But please don't be fooled by this "the clock finally struck midnight" nonsense. George Mason was for real and if a few more shots had fallen, Cinderella would still be dancing.

Final Four Picks

“Saturday, Donny, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means I don’t work, I don’t get in a car, I don’t f****** ride in a car, I don’t pick up the phone, I don’t turn on the oven, and I sure as s*** don’t f****** roll! Shomer Shabbos!”

Just like Walter Sobchak, I don’t do much on Saturdays. Read the paper in the morning, maybe a few errands afterwards, an afternoon spent relaxing on the couch and, in the evening, whatever should happen to catch my passing fancy. Updating the blog, you’ll notice, isn’t on that list.
Since a vast majority of readers come to this site while trying to kill time at work (although not employees of Montgomery County Public Schools anymore, since this site, and many others, were recently blocked), I only update on weekdays. But yesterday, in my frothing rage about Kelvin Sampson (rage which has no cause or reason; The Wolfman inquired yesterday about why I hate Sampson so much and I couldn’t come up with an answer. I think I mumbled something about his affinity for wearing collar-less shirts with sportcoats though), I totally forgot to make Final Four picks.
So, for the first time in recent memory, I’m posting an entry on a Saturday. I just hope this doesn’t throw my whole schedule out of whack. There’s a lot of sitting around to be done.

#3 Florida vs. #11 George Mason
Anybody who has any clue what’s going to happen in this game, raise your hand, because I sure as hell don’t. Last week I picked against George Mason because I thought all the hype that accompanied their run to the Sweet 16 would cause too many distractions for the team. And I was absolutely right!
Nothing seems to faze the guys on George Mason and that is thanks, in large part, to Jim Larranaga, who always has his team relaxed and ready to play. That should bode well tonight, when the pressure of the Final Four, the odd shooting views that come with playing in a dome and playing in front of 50,000 people will all hit the teams at once. (Some seem to think Florida will be better equipped to handle all of it, but none of the players on their team have been to a Final Four. Just because the program has doesn’t make Joakim Noah any less-likely to have some butterflies.)
The Mason frontcourt won’t be intimidated by Florida’s size, which won’t be as much of a factor as many analysts think. The footwork and passing abilities of Jai Lewis and Will Thomas are impeccable and, because of that, they play bigger than their 6-7 frames.
I want to pick Mason, because I think they have a great shot of pulling another upset, but picking against them has worked so far and I’m not going to mess around with the fates with the possibility of what would be the most-anticipated National Championship of all-time on the horizon.
Pick: Florida

#2 UCLA vs. #4 LSU
There’s another game besides George Mason/Florida? Huh, imagine that. I find myself not giving two hoots about this game, maybe because I don’t have a rooting interest and maybe because it will be an unbearably ugly defensive struggle.
Pick: LSU (Although I don’t see the All-SEC final happening, so at least one of these two picks is going to be wrong.)