NFL Picks: Week 2

Dallas at Miami
The ghost of Leon Lett will try to make up for his ill-advised Thanksgiving fumble recovery in the snow, but he'll probably just get high with the ghost of Nate Newton and watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force instead.
Pick: Miami

Green Bay at New York Giants
Good thing Michael Strahan isn't trying to break the sack record this year. Brett Favre would have to fall twice in order to hand the gap-toothed one the mark as, these days, Strahan's ex-wife is getting half of everything.
Pick: New York Giants

Cincinnati and Cleveland
The Wolfman was supposed to contribute a rant about Charlie Weis and Brady Quinn here, but apparently he couldn't... handle... THIS.
Pick: Cincinnati

New Orleans at Tampa Bay
This is a tough game to pick, so I'm looking towards the proven "Mascot Fight" method. (As in, if the teams' two mascots brawled, who would win?)
The early lead would be taken by Blackbeard, Jack Sparrow and the Dread Pirate Roberts, who would plunder and pillage St. Peter's crew with multiple tactics including swordfighting, plank-walking and scurvy-giving. However, Santa Barbara, the patron saint of the sea, would tag-team with Santa Barbara's A Martinez and begin beating a score of pirates with a wooden leg stolen from Long John Silver. A rough battle would ensue, with the action waging back-and-forth, until Mother Teresa climbed the top rope and, imitating Jimmy SuperFly Snuka, threw down the Samoan Special on an unsuspecting Willie Stargell.
Pick: New Orleans

Houston at Carolina
I saw an interview with N.D. Kalu this week where he was asked, "after three years together, how will it feel to line up against David Carr this weekend." Kalu then gestured towards Matt Schaub and said, "wait... That's not David Carr?"
Pick: Carolina

San Francisco at St. Louis
I'm just kidding, of course. Nobody would ever interview N.D. Kalu.
Pick: St. Louis

Indianapolis at Tennessee
Peyton Manning will be certainly be looking foward to playing in Kenny Chesney's backyard. And against the Titans on Sunday too.
Pick: Indianapolis

Buffalo at Pittsburgh
Are we supposed to ignore the "coincidence" that Omar Epps announced he would have a diminished role on season four of House around the same time that "Mike Tomlin" was hired as Steelers head coach? Shouldn't Charlie Sheen have a crazy conspiracy theory about this?












Pick: Pittsburgh

Atlanta at Jacksonville
You know who the forgotten victim is in this whole Michael Vick saga? Me, that's who. Because without Vick under center in Atlanta, I have to think of new things to write about the Falcons every week instead of using my standard fall-back joke about Vick having herpes. Where's the outpouring of grief for me? Where are the protests on my behalf? I'm hurting here, people! I feel like I've lost my best friend, albeit one that I rarely talk to, what, with the herpes and all.
Pick: Jacksonville

Minnesota at Detroit
This week, hip-hop superstars Kanye West and 50 Cent square-off in a battle to see who will have higher opening week sales of their much-anticipated third albums. This game is like that in absolutely no way.
Pick: Detroit

Seattle at Arizona
By the by, the 50 CD is, predictably, quite terrible. Kanye's Graduation is his weakest effort yet, but that's more of a testament to the excellence of his first two albums rather than an indictment of this one.
Standout tracks: Good Life, Can't Tell Me Nothing, Barry Bonds, The Glory, Homecoming
Pick: Seattle

New York Jets at Baltimore
In honor of Eric Mangini's cameo earlier this year on The Sopranos, I'm going to watch a blank TV screen instead of this game.
Pick: Baltimore

Kansas City at Chicago
In defense of Rex Grossman's play last week - The guy does get pretty excited in games taking place before a New Year. (A שָׁנָה טוֹבָה to all the site's Jewish friends. I celebrated the New Year by playing golf and sinking a 65-foot chip for birdie on the 5th hole. I'd been wondering how I was going to work that in since I started writing. The answer: Smoothly.)
Pick: Chicago

Oakland at Denver
Jay Cutler and Jake Plummer sound very-much alike. One-syllable first names with a long "A" sound, and two-syllable last names that start with a consonant/short "u" combo and end in "er". Now all Cutler needs to do is develop a meaningless reputation as a comeback kid, grow an awesome mustache and practice throwing balls backwards and the transformation will be complete.
Pick: Denver

New England at San Diego
This is the best matchup between cheaters since Rosie Ruiz played a game of checkers against the 1988 East German women's swim team. Except I'm pretty sure neither Ruiz nor those strapping German lasses ever fathered a child out of wedlock, TOM BRADY.
Pick: New England

Last Week: 11-5